


Fuck You and Your Eyebrows

by MoroseAlacrity



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:56:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1293847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoroseAlacrity/pseuds/MoroseAlacrity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the year 1991, Levi worked at Chuck E. Cheese's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Commander Blockhead & The Brat Squad

There it stood, mocking him. _Challenging him._ Levi narrowed his eyes at the ball pit that was conveniently placed about ten feet away from the cash registers. _'Safety is a priority here.'_ Levi recalled his manager saying a while back. _'We have to keep an eye on all of the children because the parents just wont.'_ Yeah, well, fuck that. He couldn't possibly care less if one of those brats choked on a band-aid that probably could be found in the pit. He's not the one that got knocked up, ergo he shouldn't have to make sure that they didn't die in a one foot deep ball pit.

Levi's gaze was now glued on the mesh enclosed pool of filthiness that was currently occupied by three children. Well, two children and one kid that seemed to be a grandmother trapped in a child's body.

There were two boys in there; one pasty kid with, what the hell was that, a bowl cut? A bob? Whatever kind of hairstyle that blond monstrosity was, it made Levi question the kid's gender. Next to the ambiguous miniature version of He-Man was what seemed to be a Cousin Itt. Cousin Itt had shaggy brown hair and the largest, most  _ridiculous,_ looking eyes that Levi had ever seen. Why were they ridiculous? Because what kind of color even was that? They could be teal, or maybe even bright green. Regardless of the correct color name, they were just flat out strange.

Speaking of strange, the old-lady child just sat there stoically as her friends romped around in the germ infested play thing. Her hair was similar to Ambiguous He-Man's, though hers happen to be jet black. Given her faded pink summer dress and matching floral shoes, Compact Grandma's gender, unlike her little blond friend's, was distinguishable. But that red scarf of hers made Levi scratch at the collar of his shirt. Who in their right mind wears a damned scarf in July? 

"Dirty little rats," Levi hissed under his breath as he tapped his fingers along the atrocious faux marble counter top.   

" _Levi,_  I heard that!" 

He turned around and cringed when he saw a giant mouse emerge from behind the purple door that read 'Employees Only'. He promptly crossed his arms and leaned against the counter as he eyed the hideous costume in front of him. "Like I give a shit, four-eyes." 

"Levi!" The large, buck-toothed mascot head that covered their face stared back at Levi with a permanent and hollow smile before the person inside fittingly squeaked and comically flailed their arms around.

Levi smiled wryly to himself as he could practically feel the horror that was radiating from his co-worker. "Yes, Hanji?" 

Much to Levi's disapproval, the mouse closed the small distance between them by cupping its filthy paw right over his mouth. Fear flashed through Levi's eyes before he managed to swat the furry mess away from him. If there's anything he hated more than the ball pit, it was that costume, and Hanji knew that. The inside of that wretched thing reeked of two years worth of sweat, angst, and probably even cocaine.

Not to say that Hanji usually smelled any better, especially when they're knee deep in manure for a science project, but that, combined with the costume, was a one-two punch.

When Levi retaliated against their attempt to shut him up, Hanji giggled. "You're going to get fired!" They announced. "You're already on probation for kneeing Uncle Mike in the stomach. I swear, you're lucky that I'm his favorite nibling or-"

"Only," Levi cut them off while wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve."You're his  _only..._ nibling." Having rarely used the odd word, he ended up awkwardly drawling it out. "Meaning," he shrugged off the strange sound of the word and continued, "that not only are you the _default_ favorite, but you also qualify as the least favorite." 

Hanji huffed and crossed their arms, though it really was hard to take them seriously in that ridiculous getup. " _Regardless_ of my family status," they began, "you're lucky that I begged him to let you stay here. Shaving half of someone's mustache off in the middle night because you didn't want to dress as Chuck E. Cheese for one shift doesn't really blow over well with people, y'know?"

"Yeah, well-" Levi was going to say something along the lines of how he wasn't a people pleaser, and how he'd rather jump off a cliff than wear that sorry excuse for a cartoon character's costume, but his thoughts halted the moment a plastic ball collided with the back of his head. There are no words for the noise that Levi had made. It was a mixture between a growl and most likely a swear word.

He quickly turned around and looked for the culprit.

"Hey!" A voice called from below Levi's field of vision. Given Levi's short stature, that was definitely a first. 

Levi's eyebrow raised as he leaned forward to see below the other side of the counter top. When his gaze locked with Cousin Itt's, the normal grey of his eyes turned into ice. He raised an eyebrow every so slightly as he stared the child down. "What do you want, brat?" During the analytic stare down, Levi could see that the kid, along with not knowing how to tame his wild mop hair, _clearly_ had no idea on how to scrub the dirt from his neck. There was probably dirt behind his ears, too.

Cousin Itt's confidence visibly faltered, which caused him to crane his head and glance at his friends that were standing behind him. Ambiguous He-Man was aggressively avoiding eye contact while Compact Grandma just stood there. Levi watched the trio through slow blinks while he waited for the rat pack to figure out what they were doing. Compact Grandma then gave her buddy the smallest of encouraging nods, small enough to almost be missed through a blink, yet that was enough to get the brat going again.

"We want more tokens!" He declared while simultaneously throwing a fist into the air above him, nearly punching Levi square in the nose.

"And _I_ want a higher paying job." Levi hissed through clenched teeth while stepping back from the almost punch. "Now that we're done sharing wishes with each other, are you going to ask for something nicely, or am I going to have to-"

"Have to give you a big hug!" Hanji interjected before Levi could say something that would surely get him in trouble. Hanji hopped around the corner and spoke in that dopey generic male cartoon voice that all of the children loved. "C'mon, kids, bring it here!" and with that, Hanji did the thing that they do best. They invaded the children's personal space and wrangled them into a bear hug.

Ambiguous He-Man squealed, and Compact Grandma just leaned her head against his in attempt to comfort him. All three of the kids were visibly frightened and confused, but what did they honestly think was going to happen? You don't come to a grimy knock off of Disney Land created by that Atari nerd and not expect to be hugged by a dirty mascot.  

"Armin! Armin, what are you doing?"

Hanji stepped back from the unruly trio with a stance that just oozed with pride. They had gotten the kids to shut up, and Levi was certain that they'd expect him to pay them back later. Probably by cleaning the bathrooms on one of their shifts. Well, though shit. There's no way he would do that. For whatever reason, kids don't know how to properly use a toilet, so there's always urine and fecal matter all over the place.  _Always._ Hanji saluted Levi and then pivoted away from him and over to the arcade floor, only to be immediately swarmed by even more children.

"They weren't causing you any problems, were they?" 

As if he was the one who just hugged three little idiots, Levi huffed and pompously brushed out the wrinkles of his shirt. Levi's eyes shifted up, his head quickly following suit, to get a better look at the blond man who corralled the three brats who, yes indeed, were causing him problems. "No, they were perfect little _angels,_ " he stated sarcastically.

Blondie sighed with relief and began to tell a long and boring story about how Ambiguous He-Man was his nephew, and how both of his parents had died or something so now he lives with him, and how Cousin Itt and Compact Grandma were his only friends, how today was Ambi- _Armin's_  tenth birthday, and blah blah blah. Jesus Christ, was the man really that thick? Could he really not tell that his little golden trio were complete and total punks? Or that Levi couldn't possibly care less about their back story? As Commander Blockhead, apparent leader of the Brat Squad, droned on, Levi ended up staring at the tall man's impossibly busy eyebrows and ultimately zoned out. 

Eventually, Levi registered the fact that Blockhead had stopped talking and was now watching him expectantly. _Excuse me, Sir. Please don't be alarmed as I inform you that two of the largest motherfucking caterpillars I've ever seen have seemed to take refuge on your forehead._ That's what Levi wanted to say. That's what he so  _terribly_ wanted to say, but instead, he simply squinted and said, "Congratulations. So are you done here, or did you want more tokens?" 

Blondie seemed confused by Levi's words. Was it because the 'congratulations' wasn't the right answer to whatever Blockhead was saying? Maybe he should have listened like a good public service employee rather than stare at the man's facial hair. Either way, Levi's shift was almost over and he wanted nothing more than to get out of here.

"Well?" he prompted. Two more minutes. Two more minutes of this hell, and then it was just Levi, the couch, and maybe even a cup of tea.

"Oh, of course, sorry." Blockhead handed his receipt to Levi, then fumbled to retrieve the wallet from his pocket. 

Levi took the receipt and glanced down at Cousin Itt. What did Blondie say his name was? Was it Eren? Whatever. Eren was glaring at Levi, and get this, he was even sticking his tongue out at him.  _Little shit._

"What was that?" Blockhead glanced up from his wallet and to Levi.

Did he say that out loud? Oops. "I said that'll be twenty three dollars," Levi replied without missing a beat. He briefly cast his gaze down at the now giggling children, so surely they'd heard it. 

Blockhead nodded and handed Levi cash, to which he quickly returned the change. "Have a nice day, sir," said Levi in a monotonous voice.

"Thanks, you too," Blockhead squinted slightly as he read the name tag that was pinned to Levi's unsightly yellow and maroon striped shirt. "Levi." He added with a nod.

For whatever reason, Levi didn't like how Commander Blockhead said his name. It infuriated him. _You condescending shitwad son of a-_ "Right. I'll try my best to do so-"

"Erwin," Blockhead proudly proclaimed.

Paying for a food bill was no invitation to learn first names. This was not a chance to make a new friend. What did _Erwin_ even want? For them to become best pals? To braid each other's hair, paint each other's nails, and talk about their crushes? No. "I'll try my best to do so,  _Erwin."_  

Erwin brightened up when Levi replied with his name. Erwin. What a stupid name. It sounds like an old man who struts around in polo shirts and offensive neckties kind of name. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no earthly way of knowing  
> which direction this fic is going


	2. Cityman 100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was Erwin smirking?

"A  _cellular phone_?" Levi grumbled and firmly planted his face into the palm of his hand as he spoke to a customer over a run of the mill phone. You know, the kind with a cable that plugs into the wall? That kind. The  _normal_   kind. At the mention of such a device, Hanji nearly dropped the pizza's that they were delivering to table eight. Hanji's eyes widened as they quickly stepped over and tried to listen in on the ongoing conversation. Levi narrowed his eyes and attempted to shoo Hanji off and out of his personal space, but it was all in vain. He then sighed in defeat when he realized that Hanji wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon, so he tilted the phone outward, that way they could both hear what was going on. They looked like idiotic school girls who were calling their shared crush at a sleepover.

"Yes," the voice on the other end of the line said in a surprisingly calm tone. "I was there last week and I must have dropped it - please, could you at least  _check_? It's a Nokia Cityman 100."

Levi's eye twitched and Hanji stifled a laugh.  _A Nokia Cityman 100?_ Was that supposed to mean something? "You mean to tell me," Levi somehow managed a slightly pleasant tone as he spoke through clenched teeth, "that you just so happen to own a freaking cellular phone that's probably larger than your I.Q. score? And that you left it here? You just _left_ one of the most expensive pieces of plastic and circuit boarding that this world has ever seen in a restaurant?" Levi then scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Sure you did. Fuck off, brat." And with that, he slammed the phone down on the receiver. Add prank callers to the list of things that Levi doesn't like.

Hanji gasped and stepped out of Levi's sacred little bubble of space. "Levi, do you think that the guy was serious? What if he really did lose the phone?"

"How, exactly, does someone just leave something like that in this grease pit for an entire week?" 

"Well, I lose my glasses all the time and-"

"But are your glasses the size of Sasquatch's foot? Alright, so say some guy really did leave a phone here. We definitely would have found it by now. So either we've had the pleasant experience of some rich mogul visiting us a week ago, or some punks decided to call us." He raised an eyebrow, instantly silencing whatever Hanji was going to say next. "Aren't you supposed to be delivering a pizza to table eight?"

Despite Levi's brash words, Hanji simply smiled. "Aren't _you_ in just the best of moods today?" They laughed before once more picking up the pizza from the counter. "Cheer up, grumpy pants! Don't let some kids get your panties in a twist." With those parting words, Hanji's laugh increased in volume.

The rest of the day went on, business as usual. Pizza's delivered here, a spilled drink there, a happy birthday song every so often, and even a few instances of puke; which was likely due to a combination of the greasy food, cake, and all of the running around that kids seemed to do. 

"So, are ready for school to start up again?" Hanji questioned excitedly while settling down in a booth for their lunch break. "There's only one month of summer left!" 

"Not everyone's a nerd, Hanji," Said Levi with nothing short of a grumble. He took the seat across from them in a booth near the bathrooms of their workplace. Due to the fact that no one likes to eat food next to bathrooms that smelled like garbage no matter how well they've been cleaned, this area was usually a little more mellow. 

"Nerd? When you're a biology major, school is def _."_

 _"Def?_  Quit living in middle school," Levi crossed his arms and leaned back into his seat with an amused grin. Hanji, of course, was really the only one to ever see him so relaxed. They've been best friends since the sixth grade, mainly due to the fact that no one else was willing to put up with their quirkiness or his overall strangeness. 

"Oh, come on! Let me have a little fun. And if I remember correctly," Hanji chimed, "you were the one that said def first, you trendsetter, you." 

Levi rolled his eyes. "Did you get a lobotomy? Clearly your brain isn't working right, because I never said def."

"You just did!" Hanji laughed, though the light sound was quickly ruined when they started coughing madly. Surprisingly, yet still disgustingly, it was not a lung that fell out of Hanji's mouth, but a now moist piece of crust.

Levi's eyes fell to the half chewed piece of food before him. "Oi, are you serious? Leave it to you to make a big ass mess on the day that I'm in charge of busing tables." 

Hanji's head shook while pointing to a tall and blocky man who was sporting a pink polo shirt and standing near the cash register. Petra, the girl who had just been hired last Friday, was handing him something from the lost and found box. 

Levi's gaze followed the direction of the point. "Well I'll be damned," he whispered under his breath. He watched the man with careful curiosity. It wasn't every day that you saw a cellular phone. Those things probably cost more than Hanji's and Levi's rent, which meant that only the upper class citizens had them. Not to mention that they were as big as bricks, so you only had one if you  _needed_  one. The guy was probably some businessman or something.

Hanji's now blatant humming caused Levi to turn and face them once more. 

"What's with that stupid look on your face?" He asked.

Hanji's fingers drummed against the tabletop. "Oh, I don't know. You just seem really interested in phone guy over there." Hanji smiled and nodded in said man's direction. 

Levi stared at Hanji with an incredulous look. " _No_. I'm interested in the phone. Also, I'm just a little pissed off that someone could be so careless with such an expensive thing." Now add wealthy and negligent people to his ever growing list of hated things. 

"Mhm, sure." Hanji shrugged and took a sip of their tea.

"Excuse me," a voice interrupted their conversation.

Levi looked up and instinctively narrowed his eyes when he saw the man who had so graciously invited himself over to their table. He was standing there, smiling, as if they were all friends who were meeting up for lunch.

" _What_?" he asked in an irritated voice. "We're on break, go and harass someone else." Levi refused to drop his scrutinizing gaze from the intruder. Why did blondie look so familiar? Wait just a fucking minute.  _Those eyebrows._

"It's a family trait," Blockhead replied cooly. "A very dominant one."

Did he say that out loud again? Maybe he should go to mutterer's anonymous. This shit was getting out of hand.

"Please excuse my friend's attitude, sir. He's just the real life Oscar the Grouch. Can we help you with something?" asked Hanji, eloquent as ever. 

Blockhead chuckled and shook his head "Actually, I was just here to talk to Levi." to which he looked at expectantly. 

Hell no. How dare Hanji make the enemy laugh, and how dare he say his name like that again. Like he  _owned_ it. 

When Levi didn't respond, Erwin continued. "I just came over to say that your friend at the register told me that it was most likely you that I talked to on the phone this morning. She said you and your language were notorious around here?"

Hanji fell silent at that.

Levi's mouth twitched as he continued to watch Blockhead in silence. What was his name? Levi couldn't remember, and by this point, he didn't care to do so. He took his time as he formulated a response. "What do you plan on doing about it?" His head tauntingly shifted to the side. He wanted to see how far he could push Blockhead, just to see. "Tell my supervisor about your shitty experience?" Levi snorted and looked away now. "Step in line with everyone else who has a complaint, and be prepared to stay there for a while."

"Not quite. I've worked in chain industries before, and I know how irritating dealing with customers can be."

For whatever reason, Blockhead made Levi's blood boil. The only thing from Erwin's seemingly pompous personality was a high class, foreign accent. "Right, right. Were you one of the first employees at McDonalds, old man?" 

Levi could see Hanji grinning like a fool out of the corner of his eye. Erwin sighed and looked down at his watch as if he had somewhere to be. That was rich, him acting like the two college students were wasting _his_ time. That moment was almost as rich as Levi had imagined Bloackhead to be. 

"Look, I'm not going to report you. Just a simple sorry would suffice."

" _Sorry_ ," Levi replied dryly, "that a grown man such as yourself can't handle a curse word here and there."

Erwin opened his mouth to say something, but the wretched device that caused this whole situation began to ring. Erwin lifted his hand in apology to Levi and Hanji before he answered the phone. The conversation he had was like a pair of white underwear. Brief, boring, and it probably had something to do with his wife.

"I'm not going to report you," he spoke slowly as if he were talking to toddlers. Fuck him. "But only if you'll do me a favor."

"He's not a prostitute!" Hanji quipped. "Believe me, I've tried to get him into it. With his cutey patootey, he could probably pay both of our tuition bills five times each, right?" 

Levi wasted no time with redirecting his glare away from Erwin and over to Hanji. 

"No, I would - I wouldn't," Erwin adjusted his bolo tie as he gathered himself. Bolo tie? Levi was nearly right about his assumptions. "I just need a sitter for Armin, I'm sure you remember him. For this Saturday."

Because of his job, Levi had dealt with his fair share of pesky kids, therefore, he did not remember who Armin was, but he was certain that it was one of those awful children from last week. Without removing his focus from the practically beaming Hanji, Levi began to speak. "How do you know I'm not a murderer? Hiring some foul-mouthed punk from Chuck E. Cheese isn't exactly the brightest idea, now is it?"

"I doubt that a family entertainment place would hire a murderer. Though I'm almost certain that they'll fire a foul-mouthed punk..."

Levi's gaze instantly snapped over to Erwin. "You wouldn't fucking _dare_."

Was Erwin smirking? "Try me."

"He'll do it!" Hanji stood up and announced Levi's answer for him.

 _Fuck you, Commander Blockhead. Fuck you, **and** your_ _eyebrows_. And by the good will of some unknown cosmic force in the universe, Levi had managed to not say that one out loud. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was more cliche than I'd wanted it to be, but I feel like it's going to work out c:  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. About a Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's Erwin's favorite, too," Mikasa said in a languid manner.

Some way, some  _how,_ Levi was standing on Erwin's doorstep.

It had been three days since their last encounter, and it was officially time for Levi to hold up his end of operation "Don't Fire the Grump". Who did Erwin think he was? Blackmailing people like he owned them. Forcing them to do his absurd bidding.

Levi grumbled and slammed his fist against the wooden door for just about the millionth time in the past few minutes. While he waited, he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. This only angered him more, because he had just remembered that Hanji insisted that they dress him today. Hanji picked out a loose fitting and faded red flannel shirt that he snagged from a thrift store and they now shared, along with a pair of black jeans. This wasn't far from his normal attire, but the thought of being Hanji's little dress up doll was an awful one.

Today was just a day full of Levi being forced to do things that he could have gone his entire life without doing.

He had been standing on the stupid porch for what seemed like an eternity before the door finally opened. Too bad it didn't open all the way. No, that would have been too easy. Instead of seeing the entrance to Erwin's house, Levi saw a single green eye peer out from the tiny sliver of darkness behind the door.

"What's the password, McFly?" Asked a cheery voice that preceded a chorus of giggles. 

Levi curled his fingers into a fist and glared at the eye before him. "Password?"

"I can't let you in without the password, sorry bub." More giggles. That's it, he didn't have time for this. With an exasperated sigh, Levi turned and began to walk away from the door. There was a gasp followed by a panicked squeak.

"Wait, wait! You can't just leave! We really need you." 

Levi slowly shifted back around to face the house once more. As if on cue, the door swung all the way open to reveal a red-headed girl with pig tails. She was cute, but in a little sister kind of way. She seemed young, probably no older than eighteen. Levi knew that Erwin was old, but he definitely wasn't old enough to be her father. So that meant Erwin was most likely a manther.  _Gross._  Behind her, Levi could see Cousin Itt peering out from the side her leg. He narrowed his eyes at the boy, which made the kid shrink back and hide behind the girl once more. So, Armin was Cousin Itt? 

_Damn it._

"You should have thought about that before you started to play the stupid password game." 

The girl's eyes widened. 

"Oh, oh I'm sorry!" Her knees bent inward slightly as she apologized. "Come on, we were in the middle of a Back to the Future marathon! Take a chill pill and come back," she smiled and stood up straight once more as she opened the door even wider, "I promise that I'll stop bugging you."

Levi huffed and began to walk back to the house, which caused Cousin Itt and two other children to squawk and run elsewhere.  _Three_ children? Fuck.

The girl gigglesnorted as the brats ran off, then she stepped aside to let Levi in. He surveyed the space inside with an indifferent look. It was a nice house, a large and open rancher style. There was a small foyer that opened up into a spacious room that held the kitchen, living room, and even a dining room. Levi's mouth twitched as he looked at all of the expensive appliances that were scattered around. A widescreen, an SNES...wait. Those weren't supposed to come out for another month, right?

"I'm Isabel, by the way," 

Levi raised an eyebrow, but he didn't take his gaze off of all the luxury items in the house. He simply began to walk around and look at everything that the place offered. "Levi. Are you a gold digger?" he asked in an even and nonchalant tone as he strolled over to the t.v. He crouched down and swiped his fingers over the VCR while cringing slightly at the dust on it.

Isabel gasped and jumped back when he asked that. "What? Oh, you think that I'm  _married_  to Erwin? Ew, gross. I mean, not to say that he's not attractive, but-" she sighed and scratched at her arm. "I'm just the babysitter."

"Oh? Then why am I here?"

"Because  _I've_ got a date tonight!" Isabel beamed and skipped over to Levi "And so does Erwin." her eyes then widened as she shook her head and arms. Her face was quickly reddening as she continued to speak. "But not with each other! Separate dates, different people, different places..." she nodded slowly then glanced at the clock. "Oh! I'm already late, I should get going."

Erwin on a date? Disgusting.

"If you didn't waste so much time at the door, maybe you wouldn't be late?" 

Isabel made a tsking noise and began to gather her things. "They've already had dinner, so don't believe them if they say they haven't, and  _don't_ buy them a pizza. Eren can't have soda either; he's already had two. But don't tell Erwin that! Also, he wants all three of them in bed no later than 9:30, and he'll be back around 11. His number's on the fridge if you need him, but these kids are really sweet, so I doubt you'll need it," She spewed out instructions like Old fucking Faithful. "Thanks so much, by the way, for agreeing to cover me for tonight!"

"Right."

"Okay, have fun!" And with that, she was out the door.

Levi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was going to be a long night. "Alright, punks," he dropped his hand from his face as he spoke loudly, that way he could be heard throughout the house. "You have three seconds to get out here. One, two-"

"We're right here!" 

Levi turned around and watched the kids shuffle out from a bedroom that was off of the living room. 

"Is Erwin bad at math, or are all of you in a band called "Armin"? He told me he needed a sitter for  _Armin,_ not _three entire brats,"_  

"A band?" Cousin Itt piped up, his eyes now shining. "Guys, let's start a band!" 

"We'll be the next Nirvana." What? Compact Grandma has a voice?

"I can't play any instruments, I'd just hold you guys back..."

Just like that, Levi had been forgotten, and the kids were talking about starting a band. He rolled his eyes and checked the clock. It's only 7:52 p.m.

"Nirvana?" He asked in a slow and lazy drawl. "The band that sounds how rotting fruit looks?"

All three of them gasped in unison. 

"How do you not li-" Cousin Itt began.

Levi wasted no time with interrupting him. "What's your name, again? Unless you want want to be called Ambiguous He-Man, Cousin Itt, and Compact Grandma for the rest of the night, you'd better tell me your names now." 

"He-Man? I like that show. Uncle Erwin and I watch it together all the time."

So that one must be Armin. "You fucking would," Levi sneered and crossed his arms. 

"Oh, that's a quarter in the swear jar!" Cousin Itt chirped in a sing song voice.

"Swear jar? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Besides Nirvana, of course," His lips slowly twitched up into a smirk as he purposefully messed with the kids. 

Apparently, bashing Nirvana was more unholy than cussing. That one comment lead to the longest forty-two minutes and thirty-seven seconds Levi had ever endured, for they had practically dragged him over to the stereo system in the living room and made him listen to the entire Bleach album. During this time, Levi had finally learned their names. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa. He had learned that all three of them were best friends, and that two out of the three didn't have their biological parents anymore. Even though Levi didn't want to, he also learned their favorite colors, animals, foods, drinks, and just about everything else they liked and disliked. Eren doesn't like zombies, Armin doesn't like planes, and Mikasa doesn't like Levi.

During this time, Eren had begged for a can of soda nearly twelve times. By the thirteenth "please", Levi gave up and let him have one. This earned him a disapproving glance from Mikasa, but she wasn't in charge so it didn't matter.

During this time, the three of them had eaten more of their fair share of packaged brownies, and Armin had a stomach ache. Despite the minor medical issue, they all demanded more pizza. Levi denied them the pizza, so Eren threw a pillow at him. Levi returned the pillow toss with tenfold strength, thus starting a three minute pillow fight that was ceased due to Mikasa realizing that she and Levi somehow ended up on a team together. 

During this time, the brats relentlessly pestered him about his favorite song from the album, because according to them, he should have at least liked _one_ song. He groaned as they began to replay the entire album, so he lied and said that track three was his favorite. This had satisfied them enough to stop playing the music.  _Finally._

So much yet so little had happened during this time, and although Levi would never admit it, the experience wasn't as bad as he'd thought it would be.

* * *

 "That's Erwin's favorite, too," Mikasa said in a languid manner. It was already 9:15, and the four of them were lounging on the couch. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, also known as Eren and Armin, were already fast asleep. Much to Levi's displeasure, Eren was leaning and most likely drooling against the left side his torso. Armin was curled up on half of Eren's leg while Mikasa kept her distance to the right side of Levi.

"His favorite what?" Asked Levi with a yawn. He wasn't a lightweight when it came up to staying up late. Not by far. It's just that these kids managed to suck all of the energy out of him.

"About a Girl." Her head dipped to the side slowly as she fought the sleep.

"What's that?" 

"That's the song you liked from the album."

"Oh."

They sat in a calm silence for a few more minutes before Mikasa started talking again.

"He's only sleeping there because he likes you."

Levi lazily opened his eyes and watched the suddenly talkative girl with a raised eyebrow.

"Eren," she brought her hand up to her mouth to cover a yawn. "He likes you."

"I'm honored." Levi snorted quietly and closed his eyes again.

Mikasa shrugged and shut her eyes as well. "Mhmm."

And by 9:30, the only sounds in the house were the light snores from the four people on the couch.


	4. Captain Crunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'll find out soon enough," Erwin smiled politely and nodded into the direction of the bathroom. "And once you do, I think you'll even thank me afterwards."

"Can't we just watch Oliver and Company instead?"

"No!" someone sighed as if this debate has been going on for a while. "Let's watch that cannibal one.  _It rubs the lotion on its skin._ " there was a terrified squeal followed by what sounded to be a soft hit to the back of someone's head. 

"Eren, we don't have that tape. And don't scare Armin."

"Let's just go down to Blockbuster, then! It's only five minutes away."

"If you want a scary movie, Uncle Erwin has Evil Dead II..."

"I think Levi looks like the Book of the Dead from that movie, don't you think so, Eren?" 

"I think that _you_ look like that monster that was crawling out from the cellar." 

"Or there's the Neverending Story part two..."

Levi groaned as the conversation droned on. He slowly blinked his eyes open and waited for them to adjust. He couldn't quite remember where he was, so he just stared at whatever was in front of him with a furrowed brow. Was he hung over? That was likely. 

"He's awake!" someone screeched  _very_ loudly. Way too loud for whatever time it was. Levi could see three blurry images jump up and run elsewhere after it was announced that he was conscious. Could his current state even be considered as awake? Levi didn't bother to think too much about this as he brought a closed fist up to his eye in attempt to rub the sleep from it. When he lowered his hand so he could check his watch, he noticed black smudges on his fingers.  _What the hell?_ He sat up, though his face was immediately hit with a bright ray of sunlight.

"Ah, fuck!" He squinted his eyes and lifted his forearm over his eyes to shield the light.

" _Swear Jar!_ " shouted someone in a holier than thou way. 

Levi turned his head to glare at the source of the stupid comment. There were three kids sitting on a high-set table in the kitchen, and they were all watching Levi with giddy expressions. They obviously knew something that he didn't, and it looked like they were _waiting_ for something.

"Oh, glad to see that you're finally awake. Breakfast is almost ready and- Oh. The bathroom's the first door on the left down that hall. There are some towels under the sink, feel free to help yourself."

Commander Blockhead.

Levi blinked slowly in an almost threatening way as he watched Erwin move around in the kitchen. "Why would I need to know where your crusty towels are?" his gaze snapped over to the children as they began to giggle.

"You'll find out soon enough," Erwin smiled politely and nodded into the direction of the bathroom. "And once you do, I think you'll even thank me afterwards."

Levi grumbled and swung his legs off the couch. Two small blankets fell next to his feet, and he glanced at the both of them with disdain.

One was blue and it had the characters of Captain Planet on it, and the other was red with the Samurai Pizza Cats on it. He rolled his eyes and snorted as he stood up with a stretch. As if those two cartoons weren't annoying enough on their own, Hanji had actually liked them. In fact, Hanji had even tried to get Levi to do what they called "platonic couple's costumes" on Halloween in which he would have dressed as Speedy and where Hanji would have been Polly from Samurai Pizza Cats. The proposal didn't get very far.

When Levi turned his back, the brats began to laugh. On his short walk to the bathroom, he muttered a few obscenities under his breath. He rubbed at his burning eyes, only now realizing that he fell asleep with his contacts in. More obscenities followed this realization, though, when he looked in the mirror, his words were quickly cut off by a heavy silence. Once he saw his reflection, every last ounce of sleepiness in his body was replaced with rage. Thick black lines outlined his eyes, and there were two tiny marks that resembled piercings on his nose and lip.

"What the hell?" he yelled furiously and balled his hands into fists as he stared at himself. Loud laughter erupted from down the hall. Three high-pitched squeaky laughs and one deep rumbling one. Fuck them. Fuck them all. He immediately crouched down in search of the towels that Erwin had mentioned earlier. Upon finding them, he wasted no time with scrubbing his face raw. The fake piercings came off with little effort, but the crayola marker eyeliner? That wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Despite Levi's best attempts in getting the black from around his eyes off, he only ended up smearing the marker around. He ended up looking like a grunge drag queen that had just went through an extreme break up with the man of the year.  _Fuck._

Wait, what was on his arm? Levi tilted his head and rolled up the sleeve of his right arm to reveal even more marker. The brats had given his forearm a very colorful and very  _atrocious,_ half sleeve tattoo. Complete with hearts, barbed wire, flowers, and the cherry on top, some shitty tribal. Today would surely be the first day of his five life sentences in jail, for he was about to go murder some children. 

Levi growled and stormed out of the bathroom. When he entered the the main area of the house, he could see that everyone was already eating breakfast. His eyes narrowed as he made his way over to the table. "What the fuck is this about?" He gestured to his face.

"Swear Ja-"

Levi turned with a snarl as his eyes met Eren's. The vicious look was enough to silence the kid and make him look back down to his plate of scrambled eggs. Satisfied with the reaction, Levi turned back to the calm Erwin. Fuck him for being so collected at a time like this.

"Personally, I didn't think that the look was that bad. Aren't piercings, tattoos, and eyeliner all the rage right now?" There was that civil smile again. That trustworthy one that showed no hint of sarcasm. Fuck that.

"I don't give a damn about any rage other than my own right now."

Erwin wiped his face with his napkin before he folded it back in his lap. "Understandable. Would an apology from the kids and an extra payment suppress the rage?" 

"Oh, an apology? I was thinking something more along the lines of forcing them to babysit Hanji." Levi watched Blockhead through narrowed eyes, though he couldn't help raise an eyebrow at the mention of money. "I'm getting paid for this?"

"I'm not as big of a monster as you think I am. So, if you'll sit and have breakfast, we can talk everything over."

Levi watched Erwin for a few moments before huffing. "Fine," he pulled out the chair that was next to Armin and sat down. Ambiguous He-Man tensed up, though he said nothing and continued to eat his breakfast in silence. Eren giggled at his friend's obvious discomfort while Mikasa watched Levi as if he was going to attack them. Her assumptions weren't far off, so she was smart for watching him so closely.

"So," Erwin began in attempt to break the tension. "I heard that you all had fun last night?"

"Eren drank three sodas, so I'm sure he did." 

When he was ratted out, Eren gasped and dropped his fork on the ground. He stared at Levi with wide eyes that were filled with nothing but hurt and betrayal. 

Levi simpered before looking back to Erwin. "So why are there three of them anyway? You said Armin. Last time I checked, Armin was a singular word." He picked up his fork and stabbed at his eggs. After a wary inspection, he took a test bite that resulted in a shudder. Levi grabbed a napkin and quickly spit the food out in it. "This is disgusting. Armin, do you seriously eat this cooking every day?"

Erwin immediately stood up, successfully taking away Armin's chance to respond by adding, "We have cereal?" Blockhead then stood up and began to rummage through the pantry. Levi watched him as he began to fix a bowl of cereal. "As for your first question, Armin asked if Eren and Mikasa could come over too. He remembered you from Chuck E. Cheese's, and he said that you scared him," Erwin smiled in amusement while he poured the milk. "So I happily obliged."

Erwin had placed the bowl in front of Levi before sitting down again. 

" _Obliged,_ " said Levi in a mocking tone as he looked down at the cereal. Ah, Cap'n Crunch. One of the main food items in a poor student's diet. He shrugged and began to pick at the beige puffs. "Old man with his old man lingo," he glanced up at Erwin with a snide grin. "So how much am I getting paid, anyway?" 

"Will forty work?"

For once in his life, Levi was surprised. He dropped his spoon into the bowl and stared at Erwin with an incredulous look. Erwin, for whatever reason, seemed satisfied by this. 

The drop of the spoon had caused some milk and a few pieces of cereal to splash up and land on Levi's shirt, which made Eren laugh. "Look! The cereal looks like a badge on his shirt." 

Levi was too shocked to check his shirt, so he just assumed that it did look like a badge.

"He could be the real life Cap'n Crunch?" Armin smiled faintly in a clear attempt to amuse his friend.

"I'm going to call him Captain," Eren nodded to finalize his decision. The other two shrugged at his choice. It was apparent that they didn't care what Levi was called. All three had finished their food by now, so they excused themselves and went back into the living room.

" _Forty_?" 

Erwin nodded as if it was nothing. "Will that do?"

"Why forty?" Based on Levi's paycheck, that was eleven or twelve hours of work.

"Well, you watched three kids and it sounded like they actually enjoyed themselves. Not to mention that they made you their personal art project."

Levi's eyes widened once he was reminded about the marker work. He looked down at his arm with a weird feeling in his stomach. "I should charge forty for being a human canvas alone."

"If you were charging for artwork, you'd probably go for at least five hundred in a gallery."

Was the weird feeling insecurity? If there was one feeling that Levi hadn't felt in a while, it was insecurity. He squinted while he studied the scribbles on his arm. "That's creepy. Not only is that creepy, but that price is also wrong," Levi didn't care to elaborate on whether he meant that the price was too high or too low.

Erwin coughed awkwardly. Good. 

"I should get going."

"Of course, I'll walk you out," Blockhead nodded and followed Levi's actions in standing up and walking out the door. They walked outside in silence, though neither of them minded it. Levi pulled his keys out of his pocket and began to unlock the door to his car. 

"Is that yours?" Erwin raised an eyebrow as he eyed the white fastback Mustang from 1969. 

"No, it's President Bush's."

"Where'd you get it?"

"I stole it from the president," Levi said with a flat tone. He watched Erwin's calm face as it twisted into a slightly confused one. About damn time his collected shell shattered. Levi rolled his eyes. "It was a a graduation present. For being the salutatorian."

Erwin smiled and began to reach for his wallet. "Salutatorian? That's quite the accomplishment. High school or college?" He picked out a few bills and handed them over.

Levi grabbed them from Erwin's hand and counted it with an impassive expression, that way Blockhead couldn't see how stunned he still was about the amount. "If it were college, I probably wouldn't be working in the world's unhappiest place, huh?"

"When did you graduate?"

"Class of '89." Levi snorted in contempt while pocketing the money. 

"So that makes you...?"

"Twenty?" Is that what Erwin was asking? How old he was? Creep. He got into his car and sat down with a yawn. The clock on his dashboard read 9:56 a.m., so that meant that he had at least gotten ten hours of sleep. Either way, he was still tired as all hell.

"Well, thanks again for watching them. You really helped out," Erwin nodded before taking something else out of his pocket. 

"Like I had a choice, right? Whatever, I hope your little date was worth my misery," Levi smirked at the sour tone that managed to leak into his voice.

"According to the kids, you weren't  _that_ miserable." Blockhead flashed another smile, then handed a small, square paper to Levi. "See you around!" Erwin waved before he walked back into his house. 

 _No you wont._ Levi shut the door to his car and shuddered when he caught a glance of his marker makeup in the mirror. He tried to wipe it off with his hand, then sighed when nothing happened. Fine, whatever. He'd just have to take the world's longest shower when he got home. He put the keys in the ignition and started the car before he looked at the piece of paper that Erwin had handed him.

It was a Polaroid of him passed out on Erwin's couch. Also featured in the photo were the three little brats. Eren was practically hugging Levi's hip and legs while Armin was slightly curled up by their feet. Mikasa was sprawled out about foot or two away from the boys. They were all covered with those hideous cartoon blankets. How endearing. He rolled his eyes and tossed the picture to the passenger seat of his car, though something caught his eye. Levi picked the photo up once more and flipped it over in his hands.

In barely legible writing, a phone number was scribbled on the back. 


	5. Murder, He Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a good thing Levi didn't have laser vision. If he did, Hanji surely would have a hole in their head by now.

Despite Levi's best attempts at throwing the picture that Erwin had given him into the dumpster where it belongs, Hanji certainly was adamant about keeping it. Not only did they want to _keep_ it, but Hanji had also wanted to either frame it or make a Christmas ornament out of it.

After an hour of arguing, Levi had decided to just drop the topic and take a shower. Even though he scrubbed his face and arm for a good half hour, the only thing he accomplished was turning his skin a dark shade of red. With a sigh, he turned off the water and stepped out. As he got dressed, he could hear Hanji talking to themself outside the door. About what, he'll never know, nor will he ever care. Without another thought of Hanji's strange ways, he dressed himself in simple dark jeans and an Alice Cooper t-shirt. When he looked himself over in the mirror, he couldn't help but cringe.

The near faded, yet still there, marker eyeliner matched the face on his shirt. _Whatever_. And with that, he stepped out into the main area of the apartment.

It was a small place, as apartments went. Only five hundred square feet. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, and one teeny tiny room that served as both the kitchen and living area. It definitely wasn't anything to brag about, but it was cheap and it provided a roof over his and Hanji's heads. 

"Levi, are you drooling? This is so freaking adorable...at least let me put it on the fridge." Hanji laughed and began to look around for a magnet. In their hands was the dreaded photograph. Levi shuddered at the mere sight of it.

"You know what? Screw what you say, it's my apartment too-" when Hanji finally noticed Levi's face and shirt, they let out the most annoying laugh Levi has ever heard.

"Don't you dare fucking say it," He hissed.

Hanji quieted their laughs down into a giggle, though they failed miserably at suppressing their mirth."You-" Hanji paused to laugh. "You and Cooper have the same makeup! Oh, god, this afternoon just gets better and better." Hanji smiled broadly and hung the picture of Levi and the trio up on the fridge. 

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to cut you up and eat your liver for breakfast."

"Oh, inspired by that Dahmer guy, are we?" Hanji sighed dreamily. They placed their hands on their hips to study the position of the photo on the fridge. Once Hanji was satisfied with it, they nodded and turned to face Levi. "You know, I think I have a top five serial killer list. I mean, I know it's morbid, but it's hard to not be fascinated by them."

Levi could feel his eye twitch. Whatever it was Hanji was in to, he didn't want to know. "You're such a freak. Don't think I was kidding about the liver thing either; you're dying tonight." He muttered _psychopath_ under his breath before throwing himself down on the couch. At this current point in time, Levi wanted nothing more than to take a nap. He hadn't slept the best last night, partially due to the fact that he was in a stranger's house, somewhat because he had a strange dream about the Bleach album, but mostly because of Eren's goddamn snoring. 

Hanji began to hum while walking over to the couch as well. They sat them-self down on the armrest that was near Levi's feet and wiggled around until they were comfortable. Levi noted that Hanji looked like a tacky gargoyle.

"If I'm going to die, do I at least get a last meal?"

"I'm not your housekeeper, cook your own damn food."

"Ouch. I'm supposed to die tonight, and you wont even play maid for a day?" Hanji pouted, though their smile quickly broke through. "I seriously think you should be a maid, though. You can cook, you can clean, and you'd rock that outfit like nobody's business," Hanji's smile widened as they poked at his leg. "Especially if you started wearing eyeliner. You'd bring in all the tips."

It seemed as if Levi couldn't go a single day without Hanji rapid-firing kinks at him. "Why are you so into me doing weird things? Do you have fetishes I should know about?"

" _I_ don't, but I know that some people do. People who are willing to pay top dollar for someone like you," Hanji winked, then burst out in laughter when Levi kicked them off the couch.

He could hear Hanji shuffle around on the ground before they propped them-self up on their knees. Hanji crossed their arms on the edge of the couch and watched Levi with an ever widening grin. "Alright, grumpy pants. At least tell me about last night?"

"There's nothing to tell. I watched three brats run around on a sugar high, and then we all fell asleep."

"Judging by the picture," Hanji's gaze wandered over to the fridge, "one of them seemed pretty friendly with you. You know, the one that was sleeping on your legs. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Levi made some new friends."

"I'm almost considering killing you _now_ instead of waiting for tonight."

"But if you kill me now, I can't tell you about who I talked to while you were in the shower!" Hanji stood up and leaned over Levi with a grin. "That was a long shower, by the way." They spoke slowly with a sneer. "Were you having fun in there?"

It's a good thing Levi didn't have laser vision. If he did, Hanji surely would have a hole in their head by now.

"Alright, give me the silent treatment," Hanji shrugged and waved his behavior off dismissively. "I called the number that was on the back of that picture, and now you've got a dinner date tomorrow...but that's not even the best part. You're going somewhere dark, so no one will see your cutesy little makeover."

Without breaking eye contact, Levi slowly sat up into a sitting position and grabbed the collar of Hanji's shirt. With one swift yank, he dragged them down to his eye level. "You  _what?_ "

Now being face to face with Levi, Hanji's smile quickly disappeared. "It probably won't be that bad. The person I talked to seemed nice enough..."

He tightened his grip on their shirt as his eyes narrowed even further. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe I don't want to go somewhere tomorrow? Especially with whoever's number that was on the back of the picture?"

Hanji shook their head. 

"Of course you didn't," Levi growled and released Hanji from his grip. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked elsewhere as he evaluated his situation. He had quite a few options, though only a handful were actually likely. He could:

A.) Murder Hanji.  _But prison would follow suit._ _  
_

B.) Go to dinner. _But with Commander Blockhead? Gross._

C.) Murder Hanji.  _Prison, though..._

"Nobody said anything about prison...holy shit, are you actually planning on killing me?"

_God damn it._

"Levi, you've been glowering in silence for four minutes now."

He slowly lifted his gaze up to meet Hanji's. The look in his eyes was murderous, and he was proud of it. How dare they set him up like this? Instead of acknowledging Hanji, Levi stood up, pushed passed them, and went into the kitchen. He began to rummage through the cabinets before he even noticed that they had followed him.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking for a knife to slice you with." Levi didn't even bother to look in their direction while he searched for a weapon.

Hanji chuckled nervously. Levi has always had a cynical sense of humor, though this time, they couldn't tell if he really _was_ going to kill them or not. "If you go to dinner tomorrow, I'll..." they looked around their apartment for inspiration. "Make dinner every night for the rest of the year?"

Now watching Hanji from behind a cabinet door, Levi raised an eyebrow. "That's supposed to make me _want_ to go out? Your cooking tastes worse than-" For whatever reason, he paused mid-sentence and closed the door. "Erwin's."

"I took home economics sophomore year, and guess what? I got an A, so up yours!" After Hanji defended their lackluster cooking skills, they began to hum and walk around with their hands behind their back. "But what was with that hesitation, short stack?"

He purposefully ignored Hanji's jab at his height. There was no way in hell that he'd give them the satisfaction of riling him up. Instead, Levi simply shrugged. "I forgot his name."

"Sure you did."

One day, ten dollars, one promise of a covered shift, and many, _many_ , rude remarks later, Levi was on his way to a cafe. Why the fuck does it always have to be a cafe? What's so appealing about them? Absolutely nothing, that's what. Especially not the one he was at.

Levi cringed when he saw the old and worn brick building. Usually, buildings like this had charm. This place seemed to be an exception. The entrance had a cliche green tarp over it, and there were some cheap plastic chairs and tables scattered around the outdoor patio area. The windows looked like they haven't been cleaned for centuries, and there were spider webs along the fence. This was only the outside. 

The inside was far more miserable. Although it was dark, Levi could tell that the furniture and decor was extremely mismatched. A pink couch here, an orange chair here. A knock off Salvador Dali painting on the wall with a picture of a cat in a sweater right next to it. A grungy punk next to some guy who was clearly stuck in the 70's. Floral patterns, stripes, geometric shapes, hard wood, linoleum, tile. Fuck all this new aged shit, this place was a dump.

"Levi!"

He looked around for the source of the voice. When Levi saw a familiar red-headed girl sporting pigtails, a strange feeling built up in his chest. Was he seriously feeling disappointed right now?  


	6. The World He Saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world was too fast and Erwin's mind was too slow.

"The Rocketeer?"

"Yes, I think it's about a superhero, right?"

Armin smiled and turned to look out the window. "The Disney one," he nodded slowly as he spoke. " _To some, it was the fulfillment of a dream. To others, it was an instrument of destruction,_ " he quoted the lines from the movie trailer in the deepest voice he could manage, which made Erwin chuckle lightly. "About the guy who fights Nazis with a jet-pack."

"Nazis?" Erwin raised an eyebrow and glanced over at his nephew for a few moments before turning his gaze back to the road. "In a Disney movie?" 

"It wouldn't be the first time," Armin's brow furrowed as he began to think about something. "In 1943, they made a cartoon about them."

"They did?" A cartoon - a  _Disney_ cartoon, about the Nazis? Erwin couldn't help but wonder how much Armin knew about the subject. He knew that he couldn't shield Armin from everything, and he didn't particularly want to. He was a smart kid; he always has been.  Nevertheless, it was hard to not want to protect him from such graphic things. His nephew was hardly even ten years old, though he's already been through so much. Sometimes, it seemed unfair that the world still had cruel information to offer him.

Armin began to talk excitedly about his class, which apparently was the place where he learned about the cartoon. The way he spoke about World War II - it was clear that he understood exactly what had happened. Armin spoke so simply about the topic, it had both unnerved Erwin and made him proud at the same time. The child has seen one Disney cartoon from the 40's, yet it was almost as if he'd studied the war for years. It reminded Erwin of his own father.

"But I don't think that that's what the movie is mainly about!" Armin twiddled his thumbs now. "I think it's more about the hero."

Erwin nodded. "Alright," he smiled and decided to not rain on the parade that was the Rocketeer movie. "We're here. Do you have all of your things?" Thanks to the semi-delinquent mentalities of Eren and Isabel, sneaking snacks into the theater was now a common thing to do. Erwin didn't particularly like to encourage such behavior, but the ingenuity of it all had made him laugh. 

They both unbuckled their seat belts and stepped out of the car. The two of them walked along the sidewalk and up to the entrance of their destination. _Sonny & Bean. _It was an interesting name for an interesting place. Many cringed at the coffee themed twist on the cannibal's name from many years ago, though as stated before, Erwin can appreciate out of the box thinking. He held the door open for Armin before walking in behind him. 

Once inside the cafe, Erwin scanned the area for Isabel. Armin had found her first, so he tugged at Erwin's pant leg and pointed her out. She was sitting across from someone with black hair and his back turned to them. The shirt he wore said "Alice Cooper Trashes America", and it had many dates and locations listed underneath.  _Levi._ Erwin laughed silently to himself as he and Armin walked over. 

"Well, yeah, but the internet changes everything. Even _you_ have to admit that's cool." Isabel giggled, then waved to Erwin and Armin when she noticed them.

"Calling people will always be easier," was Levi's reply. He didn't bother turning around, nor did he even bother acknowledging pair that had just entered. Instead, he shrugged and took a sip from his glass of water. 

"Sorry it took so long, we hit just about every red light on the way here."

"Oh, that's alright!" Isabel stood up and gave them both a hug. "The movie doesn't start for another twenty minutes anyway." She smiled and wrapped her arm around Armin's shoulders. "All ready to go?" He nodded and Isabel's smile widened. "Okey dokey, off we go! It was nice chatting with you again, Levi. See you later, Erwin!" she patted Erwin on the shoulder before she and Armin walked out of the cafe.

Erwin said goodbye to them before he sat in the seat that was previously taken by Isabel.

Levi was watching him through narrowed eyes. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he was leaning back into his seat. His eyes still had faint black rings around them, but whether they were from the kids or lack of sleep was beyond Erwin. Perhaps it was a mixture of both? They sat there in silence for a few moments. Erwin could feel Levi watching him closely, but Levi's eyes betrayed nothing. They only showed disinterest. The way he openly expressed his boredom was new; usually people at least  _pretended_ to enjoy themselves. It was refreshing.

"Hi," Erwin began, though he didn't get very far.

"Why the fuck am I here." 

A question spoken aloud as a statement. 

Erwin internally flinched at Levi's callous tone. "Your friend called me," he stated simply. And it was the truth.

"Oh?" Despite Levi's raised eyebrow, his detached expression somehow remained. "And how, exactly, did they manage to do that?" He truly was a master of apathy.

Erwin shrugged and began to look over the menu. "I don't know. I'm in the phone book, she could have found me there?"

"Bullshit," Levi leaned forward and slammed his fist against the table. When he lifted his hand, the photo that he had given to him this morning was there. 

Erwin stared at the picture, completely bemused. "What does that have to do with this?"

"Turn it over."

Erwin did as he was instructed. When he saw his own phone number written on the back, he instantly broke out into a laugh. "I wonder when that happened?" Sure, it was his number. Of course, it was an adequate way of subtly giving your information to someone. But was it  _his_ handwriting? 

Levi growled and leaned forward. "What the hell is so funny, old man?"

"Mikasa," Erwin chuckled one last time before sliding the picture back to Levi. "That's her handwriting. She wrote that."

Levi fell silent and stared at the picture for the longest while. He was thinking something, and Erwin was almost dying to know about what. His curiosity was interrupted by the waiter. Erwin had ordered a simple cup of coffee and a ham panini. Levi shook his head and said that water was enough. After the waiter left, there were a few more seconds of silence.

"So you don't want me here?"

When Levi spoke, Erwin looked up from the salt shaker that he was intently studying. "No, that's not true." His brow furrowed when he realized that Levi wasn't even looking at him. "I enjoy your company."

Levi rolled his shoulders back and lifted his gaze to meet Erwin's. Still no emotions. His expression betrayed absolutely nothing.  _What was he thinking?_

"How much?"

"I don't understand."

" _How much_ do you enjoy my company?" Levi spoke slowly. Carefully.

Erwin took a moment to collect his thoughts. He'd only known Levi for a few days, and he's only actually interacted with him for a few hours. Yet, he'd be lying if he said that those few hours weren't interesting.

Erwin had always been good at figuring people out. He was good at studying,  _learning._ As one of the head lawyer's for the city's largest hospital, it was his job to pick up on the subtlest of things and to put pieces together. To play detective. But there sat Levi, a foul-mouthed kid who worked at Chuck E. Cheese's to pay for college. Someone who seemed to care less whether or not you were offended by his impertinent ways. A person who is so aware of himself that he's in complete control of his emotions. Levi, the boy who managed to win over three children in one night, no matter how much any of them would deny it. The salutatorian of whatever high school he went to, class of '89. 

Even though Erwin knew so little about the person sitting in front of him, he decided to say, "A lot."

Once again, silence. When Erwin's food arrived, silence. There were many sounds around their table: rain hitting the roof, other people talking with each other, dishes clanking together. But at Erwin's and Levi's table, silence.

"Why?"

Erwin nearly dropped his drink when Levi finally spoke. They've been sitting there for at least five minutes, so his voice took him completely off guard. When Erwin looked back at Levi after he almost spilled his coffee, he seemed to be smirking. His mouth wasn't, but the challenge and amusement in his eyes betrayed him. 

"You're interesting."

Levi hissed and propped his elbow up on the table. He then leaned forward and glared at Erwin in an accusatory way. "Don't fucking say that."

Erwin raised an eyebrow as he watched Levi and all of his sudden anger. Levi muttered something about his eyebrows, though Erwin decided not to comment on that. "Why not? It's true."

Levi's mouth twitched, and he leaned back once more. No. No more silence. Not again.

"Do you think I'm wrong?" Erwin lifted his mug and took a sip of his coffee. 

Nothing. 

"Levi?"

Silence. 

"I'm not lying, I-" And that's when it all happened. The world was too fast and Erwin's mind was too slow. It was impossible to register what was going on. At least, from Erwin's point of view it was.  _It all happened so quickly_. Erwin had heard that phrase used in court many times. Too many times to count. Without fail, that phrase would be used. Without fail, Erwin would always sigh or roll his eyes at it.  _It all happened so quickly._ That was an excuse used by people who didn't want to tell the truth. A believable scapegoat.  _It all happened so quickly._ Now Erwin had finally understood the magnitude of the phrase. It  _had_ happened so quickly.

There was a brief feeling of warmth against his lips. A certain softness that he's never felt by anybody before. An action that lacked hesitancy, though it held plenty of questions. Levi was testing something, and that's just about all Erwin could figure out.

" _Fuck_ ," Levi wiped his own mouth and stepped away from Erwin. He shook his head and left the cafe without so much as a goodbye. 

Before Erwin could even think about what had happened, it was too late. Along with Levi, Erwin's awareness of the surrounding world was gone. The only thing that seemed to stay with Erwin that night was his yearning for more. 


	7. Christmas in July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Son, you smell like you're going to hurl."

11:53 a.m. Eleven fifty-three Tuesday _morning_ and:

There were three happy birthday songs.

One puddle of a spilled contraband slushie.

Another puddle, but it was pee this time.

Yet  _another_  freaking puddle, though of Pepsi and what seemed to be cinnamon sticks.

Two angry parents, one broken arcade game, five children who didn't understand the concept of "you don't have enough tickets for that prize", and one group of teenagers who were trying to relive their childhood.

Oh, and Levi was hungover. There was always that, too.

When you have roommate who doubles as your best friend and they just so happen to be twenty-one years old, you seize the opportunity. You take full advantage of it, because you just kissed an old man. You kissed some guy just to see if you might actually have feelings for him. And the second you touched your lips to his, you knew that you did. You then say "fuck the drinking age", and you drink your heart out. You drink like you've just ran a marathon through the Sahara Desert and you're now dying of thirst. You drink like it's your fucking  _job._

That was last night. That was when Levi didn't have to stand behind a tacky counter top and play servant. Now it was Tuesday morning, and Levi had to deal with the consequences of actions. Due to his current state of being, Levi stood at the cash register in the stillest form he could manage. Any sort of movement threw off his equilibrium. As if that wasn't bad enough, his head was throbbing. Having absolutely no thoughts in his mind seemed ease his suffering, so he decided to stare vacantly at the ball pit that he hated so much. He stared at it, glossy eyed, like a zombie. At this point in time, being half dead was the only way to endure the pain. 

If he didn't go home soon, Levi's lovely list of things that sounded like a cracked out version of the Twelve Days of Christmas would soon be expanded by one puddle of vomit.

"Son, you smell like you're going to hurl."

Levi turned around to face his manager, though the spinning motion nearly caused him to topple over. Mike hesitantly reached an arm out to steady his employee, but Levi had already regained his balance. He groaned and pressed a hand to his forehead as he looked up at Mike. "Did you just-" his hand dropped to cover his mouth when he had hiccuped. "fucking sniff me?" It was more of a rhetorical question of irritation because Levi knew full well that his manager had just sniffed him. He always sniffs people. Absolutely everyone in Hanji's family was deranged, Levi was certain of this.

Mike smirked and took a step back with a shrug. "Do you think you could call someone to come cover for you? Having a sick kid deliver pizzas to your table isn't the most pleasant of experiences."

Levi bit the inside of his lip to stop himself from saying that the customers were  _far_ more disgusting than he was. Instead of bashing the people that made his life hell, Levi sighed and looked over to a group of children who were playing tag. "Hanji owes me one. I'll call them."

"Hanji?" Mike watched Levi with obvious curiosity. "Dare I even ask why they owe you a favor? If it's something gross and grimy that you kids are up to, don't tell me."

Gross and Grimy? What did Mike even think that he and Hanji did? Whatever Mike was thinking, Levi felt the need to defend himself. "Long story short," he cringed slightly when he felt his stomach rumble and his throat constrict. "Hanji forced me to watch this guy's kid," What a nice way of putting it. What a short and sweet way of saying Hanji inadvertently turned his life into the world's shittiest soap opera. 

Mike cocked his head to the side as he thought about something. He even brought his hand up to stroke his borderline pedophilic pencil 'stache. Levi could do nothing but stare at the disturbing scene in front of him and try his damned hardest to hold down the puke.

"When did you babysit this kid?"

"Saturday."

 "Was the kid's name Armin? And his dad's name Erwin?"

Another twinge in Levi's stomach. "Erwin's his uncle. Not his dad." What the hell was up with his defensive tone?

It was then that Mike slapped Levi's shoulder in a chummy way while letting out a loud, unrestrained, laugh. A deep laugh that echoed throughout the entire restaurant. A laugh that made people stop what they were doing and look over. Usually, his manger was quiet and reserved. Laughing, especially this loud, was highly out of character for the strange man. Whatever he found so hilarious must have been something huge. Something so absurdly hysterical, that it had brought tears to the man's eyes.

"That-" Mike took a few breaths in attempt to calm himself down. It didn't work. "That was you? Erwin told me that he got some kid to watch Armin for him because Isabel said she couldn't, but-" another loud series of laughs. "he never told me it was one of my employees! Or even you for that matter!"

Things slowed down when Mike said that. Absolutely everything seemed to freeze as a large wave of vertigo washed over Levi. Mike knew Erwin and Armin. Mike knew that Isabel couldn't  babysit, and he knew that Erwin had managed to find a replacement. Mike now knew that Levi was the poor soul who got stuck with the job, but prior to learning that, he knew that someone had watched Armin two nights ago. 

Levi's stomach quivered. There it was. Here it comes. It was as if his legs couldn't carry him fast enough to the bathroom. It seemed like it was centuries before he finally reached a stall, and when he did, his stomach emptied out every last molecule of poison that he's been holding in all weekend. When it was all said and done, Levi remained where he was, crouched on the ground with his arms and head resting on a toilet seat inside this rat hole of a restaurant. 

Of course it was gross. Of course it was filthy. It made his skin crawl. But what other option did Levi have? The world was spinning, his vision was blurry, and he felt like a train had run him over. 

"Levi?" he could hear the door to the stall he was in creak open. 

He didn't have the energy to lift himself up, or even speak for that matter. He took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly. That should be enough of a greeting, at least, for now. 

"Oh, um," there was the sound of the stall door closing, though that didn't mean that the person talking to him left. There were light footsteps followed a hand on his shoulder. "Mike's calling Hanji right now. I guess he's going to pick you up, and Gunther's going to cover for you. But if you're all done in here, I think you should hurry up and get out. We're in the girl's bathroom."

"Petra?" Levi somehow managed to find the strength to pry his head off of the ceramic seat.

"Yeah?"

"Next time some guy asks who had the grit to say the word 'fuck' over the phone," Levi groaned shifted himself to the side, that way he could lean against the wall.  He took a few seconds to collect himself as he watched the wide-eyed new girl. His eyes were strained and he was sure that he looked like he was going to pass out at any given moment. What a blessing that would be. "Lie and say that it was Marlowe," Levi angled his face up toward the ceiling and shut his eyes. He didn't care if he was in the wrong bathroom right now. To say the least, he was sick. Disgusted. Hungover. "Either hang up the damn phone, or say it was Marlowe."


	8. Sack of Potatoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in that moment, Levi swore that he was going to be a little shit and go against whatever it was that they were trying to accomplish.

"Levi,  _please,_ _"_  

Where did Levi's life go so wrong? Three days ago, he babysat some brats and he actually had a tiny bit of _fun._ One day ago, he kissed Erwin.  _Erwin,_ of all people. And today? Today he went to the unhappiest place on Earth, attempted to do his job, learned that Mike and Erwin were apparently a _thing,_ and then he threw up in the bathroom. The wrong bathroom, too. As if that weren't enough, Hanji was currently sitting on top him and they were poking at his face. 

Levi grumbled and pulled his blanket over him. Lucky for Hanji, he was still too sick to actually do something about their prodding. While Hanji sitting on him was relatively new, today's form of torture was not. The second they brought him home from work, they threw him on the couch and demanded that they have a movie marathon. Levi enjoyed movies as much as the next guy, but movie marathons with Hanji were on a whole new level of madness and discomfort.

There was absolutely no way in hell that Hanji would watch a movie without food, so they made popcorn and Jeno's Pizza Rolls. Hanji claimed that they liked to be 'immersed' in the movie, so they turned the volume up as loud as humanly possible. But also, what's a movie without continuous commentary? Apparently not a good one. 

 _The Breakfast Club_ : Hanji had said that Levi reminded them of Bender, and then they started ranting about character archetypes and how unlikely it was that everything in that movie would actually happen in real life. Levi wished that the principal would magically pop out of the t.v. and tell Hanji to shut the hell up.

 _The Goonies_ : Hanji obnoxiously laughed at all of the, quote "wit and humor" endquote. Levi closed his eyes for the majority of the movie in attempt to not throw up again. He failed when Chunk did the Truffle Shuffle.

 _Gremlins:_ Hanji had insisted that the gremlin monsters were based off of Levi. According to them, they were both short, their tempers were out of hand, and you weren't supposed to feed them after midnight. Alright, fuck the principal. A gremlin coming through the screen and biting Hanji's head off sounded  _much_ more appealing.

 _Pretty in Pink:_ Hanji remained oddly quiet during this film, so Levi decided to theorize about why. His conclusion was that Hanji either had a crush on Molly Ringwald, or that they had decided to let Levi wither and die in peace. 

Every last thing that Hanji did was meticulously planned out part of their scheme. They were on a mission, and the mission was to get Levi to crack. Last night, Levi had told them absolutely nothing about what happened at the cafe. It wasn't long before Hanji supplied him with all the alcohol he could drink, but they only did it in hopes that he'd get drunk enough to spill the beans. That plan backfired and he had  _only_  got drunk enough to have a terrible hangover the next day.

As for now, Levi's headache was beginning to lose it's edge. The dizziness refused to back down, but at least it was going away.

Once the movie was over, Hanji climbed on to Levi, and here we are now. "Hey, I'm kinda hungry. Are you? Oh, do you want some  _pizza_?" Hanji asked innocently as they continued to jab at his cheek with the remote. "Maybe a good ol' bowl of Spinkle Sprangles would be nice? How about some Rice Krispie treats, don't those sound good too?"

Levi's curled himself inward when his stomach rumbled. "Hanji, shut the fuck up. Just shut up."

"Maybe I should order some Chinese food..."

Every single thing that Hanji was saying and doing only added to his ailment. They knew exactly what they were doing. If Hanji didn't want to be a Mycologist after all, they could always be a torture expert for the military. They'd literally make a killing.

"If I tell you what happened last night," Levi sighed in defeat. The aroma of their snacks, the talk of food, Hanji jabbing at his face with the remote...it was too much. It was time to raise the white flag. "Will you go find someone else to bug?"

Hanji laughed a wicked laugh before crawling off of him and over to the opposite end of the couch. When Levi pulled down the blanket and sat himself up, he saw Hanji sitting across him with the smuggest of grins. Their arms were crossed, and they were looking at him expectantly.

"I'm waiting," Hanji warbled.

Due to the room's sudden spinning, Levi had to pause and wait for it to stop.

"Are you a Russian communist? Because you're doing quite a bit of _Stalin._ "

Levi groaned and pressed his hand to his forehead. There was no use beating around the bush, so he decided to go right out and say it. "Last night, I kissed him."

Hanji's eyes widened to the size of the moon and they threw their arms up like someone had just scored a touchdown. They unleashed a scream similar to a banshee, and this earned a pounding on the wall from one of their neighbors telling them to shut up. Levi raised an eyebrow and watched the now stock-still Hanji. Hanji was scaring him, they really were.

"Hanji, are you-"

Levi was cut off by an extreme bear hug and many high-pitched squeals. Hanji violently shook him around, and he was sure that this counted as a near death experience. 

"I have a gay best friend!" Hanji laughed and released Levi from their grasp. "But you've never struck me as  _explicitly_ gay. You seem more like a 'if it's cute, I'm going to go for it' kinda guy." They nudged him playfully before pouting. "But now I'm just a little offended about you not going after me when we first met, because I'm cute as hell."

Levi only stared in response.

"So when's the wedding?"

Levi shrugged and leaned against the cushions of the couch.  "I don't know, ask Mike."

Hanji gasped and stared at Levi with a clearly dumbfounded expression. "Mike? As in  _Uncle_  Mike? With blondie?"

If he weren't feeling so nauseous, Levi would have nodded. He wasn't in the mood for talking about Mike, Erwin, or anybody else that had to do with the subject. "Yeah. I'm going to take a nap now."

"Levi, you can't just tell me that kind of stuff and then decide to take a nap," Hanji grabbed his arms and yanked him off the couch.

No. Not today. Today sucked enough, and he didn't need Hanji adding to his pain. And in that moment, Levi swore that he was going to be a little shit and go against whatever it was that they were trying to accomplish. Instead of fighting them, he stubbornly focused all his energy into becoming dead weight in their arms. 

"Levi, get  _up,_ "

Fat fucking chance. He shut his eyes to confirm the fact that he was going to take a nap right then and there. Hanji huffed and set him down on the floor. Hanji then grabbed his legs and began to drag him across their apartment. 

"We're going out-" Hanji's breathing became heavy as they lugged him across the floor. "-even If it kills us. You're obviously heart broken," they wheezed and began to open the door to the apartment. "But you're just too busy using your hangover as an excuse to admit it."

No matter how right they may have been, there was no way Levi was going to let Hanji win this one. He refused to open his eyes, and he refused to move a muscle. He let hanji drag him out of the apartment, but it was clear that their strength was wavering. As Hanji slowly trudged along, Levi noticed that his shirt was slowly but surely riding up. His brow furrowed when he felt the beginnings of a rug burn on his back, but he was adamant about being as stubborn little asshole.

"Whew! You may be small, but  _damn_ you're heavy sack of potatoes, aren't you?" Hanji laughed as they set his legs down while catching their breath. Levi carefully opened one eye to inspect his surroundings. They were currently in the hallway that was kitschy as hell, and the elevators were right in front of them. Well, they had officially made it farther than Levi thought they would have. Regardless, he was sure that someone would stop Hanji from dragging a seemingly unconscious boy through the lobby. When the elevator made the distinct 'ding' noise that signaled that doors were about to open, Levi closed his eyes once more. This time, instead of grabbing his legs, Hanji's arms slipped under his and hoisted him up like a rag doll. "We're going to go to Sonic," they began. "Then we're gonna go to that-"

Levi could hear the doors slide open, and that was when Hanji gasped and dropped him on the floor. Upon impact with the ground, his eyes flew open, but he couldn't actually see anything. The drop had disoriented more than he'd like to admit, and it took his vision a few seconds to come into focus. When it finally did, he saw the blond brute that was Erwin standing in the elevator before him.

To put it simply, Erwin looked confused yet undeniably amused at whatever it was Levi and Hanji were doing. "I'm not interrupting something, am I?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this was kind of a filler chapter, but I can tell you that the next chapter will have plenty of eruri, and that the later chapters may just contain some incredible mama heichou.


	9. A Walk in the Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That sounds like an opening to a low-budget porno."

Either Levi's headache was returning, or his brain was in the beginning stages of a concussion.

" _Yes,_ " Hanji stated in an overly guarded way. They looked down at Levi and promptly put their foot on his torso. They rolled him over, that way his back was to the ground and he was now facing up toward the ceiling. 

Jesus _fuck_ those ceiling lights are bright. Both Levi's vision and thoughts were too blurry for his liking at the moment, and the only thing he could manage to do was stay on the floor and hope that everyone would just leave him alone for night. Or the year. Maybe even the rest of his life. No, life would be too easy. He was sure that Hanji would still find a way to bug him in the afterlife, so existence would be a much better word. Yes. He just wanted left alone for the rest of his existence. 

"Is he alright? He looks sick."

"That's because he is!" 

There was a pause before Erwin spoke in a somewhat concerned tone of voice. "What's he sick with?"

_Alcohol and emotions._

"Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. So he resorted to drugs. Levi's on some serious Acetaminophen right now. It's a deadly addiction, and I was actually on my way to take him to rehab, so we'd better get going."

Levi sighed loudly and heaved himself up into a sitting position as Hanji and Erwin chatted about him as if he wasn't even there. He rubbed his forehead and ignored the two numskulls in his presence while purposefully keeping his gaze on the ugly hallway carpet below him.

He was fully aware of their eyes on him, though that didn't mean that he cared. Right now, the carpet was the most interesting thing in the world. It was that weird brown color that you just _know_ started off as white, and it had lighter brown polka dots scattered all over it. Whether or not the polka dots were intentional markings or stains was up for debate. 

"Come on Levi, the sooner you get help the better. We're not going to let that intervention go to waste," Hanji grabbed Levi's arm and began to hoist him up onto his feet. 

"There was an intervention?" Erwin raised one of those goddamned caterpillars of his as he stepped out of the elevator. Obviously he didn't believe Hanji's explanation of what was going on, but his amusement with it all was nearly tangible. 

"Oh, yes. It was beautiful. Y'know, letter readings, tears, hugs, emotions. The whole nine yards." Hanji helped stable out Levi while they spoke.

 Levi glowered and finally decided to acknowledge Hanji's existence. "The only one here who's probably a junkie is you." He then turned his gaze to Erwin and watched him in an accusatory manner. "Probably."

Erwin's eyes widened as he raised his arms in surrender. "I don't do drugs."

Levi rolled his eyes at Erwin's response. Blockhead's innocent face was just radiating with the hope that Levi and Hanji would believe his statement. Erwin must have been the only one who took that sketchy D.A.R.E. program seriously. Levi could picture little baby Blockhead, bushy eyebrows and all, with his hand over his heart, pledging to never even think about so much as smoking a cigarette. His mother must be so proud. 

Hanji growled and stepped away from Levi. They stormed over to Erwin and prodded his chest chest with their index finger. "Not on drugs? Oh yeah? Then why are you skipping around with my uncle, and  _how_ did you find out where we lived? Are you a stalker? You know, last time a guy stalked us, I sliced him open and turned him into a botanical garden. I got a first place ribbon at a science fair too, wanna see it?"

The look on Erwin's face was priceless. Clearly he wasn't able to figure out if Hanji was kidding or not, and in all reality, most of their story was actually true. Last year, Hanji stole a cadaver from the medical students, cut it open, and put a garden inside the hollow of its stomach. It was an interesting sight, and the professors were so stunned with their concept, they didn't even press charges. 

"I'm not on drugs, and I'm not 'skipping around' with anyone's uncle," Erwin's brows furrowed, though his genuine look of confusion didn't last long before he slipped back into his normal collected one that Levi had grown used to seeing. "You're both in the phone book. Your address is in there. I'm here because you," Erwin turned to face Levi, "left something at Sonny & Bean's, and also I needed to talk with you."

Talk? No, Levi didn't want to talk. He wanted to sleep. He sighed heavily and crossed his arms over his chest while closing his eyes in attempt to convey this message to the both of them. "If I left it somewhere as dumb as that cafe, it probably wasn't important to me. That, and I don't want to talk to you."

" _Please."_   

Levi opened one eye to look at the pleading Erwin. It was nice to see his usual stoniness being chipped away right before him. He opened both eyes and glanced at Hanji, who just nodded once. He rolled his eyes and dropped his arms to his sides. "There's a park across the street. You've got ten minutes. Hanji, if I'm not back in ten minutes, call the cops."

Hanji smiled and jumped up excitedly. "I'll rip his arms off, too," Hanji then looked at Erwin and replaced their smile with a deathly serious yet creepily blank stare. "Don't think that I wont."

Erwin nodded solemnly in response to Hanji. "I promise I'll have him back soon."

Levi rolled his eyes at the scene unfolding. "Hanji. He's not my prom date, and you're not my dad, so let's put the rifles away and get this over with," and with that, Levi grabbed Erwin's sleeve and yanked him into the elevator. Before the doors closed, Levi could see Hanji point two fingers to her eyes then to Erwin, signaling that they're watching him. 

Once the doors shut, Erwin shuffled awkwardly and attempted small talk. "Your friend's something else," he began.

Levi made a growling sound and interrupted him. "Shut up, we're not talking about them."

It took exactly one minute and forty-three seconds for Erwin and Levi to reach the park across the street. During that one minute and forty-three seconds, Levi's scowl never left his face. It was late, he was tired, his headache, though mild, was still there, and he didn't want to talk to Erwin. 

Once they walked through arched hedges at the entrance of the park, they slowed their paces and followed the gravel path that winded through the grassy area. Levi crossed his arms once more and looked at Erwin expectantly while they walked. There wasn't much too look at in the park, anyway. Just some grass, a few trees here and there, and a rusty playground that would most likely give children tetanus. "Ten minutes, old man. Clock's ticking."

Despite the looming time limit, Erwin shrugged and looked at their surroundings. "This is a nice park. Do you come here often?"

Levi squinted his eyes and watched Erwin with a look that screamed  _are you kidding me?_ Erwin grinned, seeming completely satisfied with Levi's reaction.

"Eight minutes."

"I thought this would be easier," Erwin exhaled loudly as they wandered around. "It's not exactly a cakewalk."

Levi paused mid step and turned to face Erwin with a baffled look. "Are you serious?" he waited for Erwin to stop as well. Once he turned to look at him, Levi continued. "A cakewalk? We're in a fucking park and you decide to say  _cakewalk_? This is literally a walk in the fucking park, you moron."

Erwin chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. "Am I in trouble for missing an opportunity to use a pun?"

"Six minutes."

"Now you're just making numbers up."

"Oh look, your whiny little comment cut your time in half. Three minutes."

"My apologies, I didn't know you liked puns so much."

"Two minutes. What did I leave at the cafe?"

"I thought it wasn't important to you."

"Cut your shitty games and just give me the thing."

Erwin reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small square paper which he held out to Levi. 

Although it was dark outside, Levi knew exactly what it was the very second he laid eyes on it. "Not this again," he stared at the photograph of him and the brats before looking up at Erwin. "Why does it keep coming back to this stupid thing?"

"It's for the memories," Erwin declared. "Do you hate it that much? You don't like it at all?"

"What's not to like about a creepy picture of yourself surrounded by three sleeping punks at a strangers house?" Levi huffed and reluctantly reached out to collect the picture. When he did, he lost his footing and he began to fall forward. Fuck hangover induced wooziness. Maybe _he's_ the one that should have taken D.A.R.E. a little more seriously. Although, it _was_ hard to listen to officer Nile blab on and on about substance abuse when everyone in that fifth grade classroom knew that he was the local hallucinogens dealer. 

Instead of getting a face full of dirt, Levi was either gifted or cursed with a face full of old man. He tried to step away from Erwin, but something was holding him in place. "What the hell?" He hissed and began to squirm around. Despite his best attempts at escaping, resistance was futile. 

"How much time do I have left before your friend rips off my limbs?"

Levi stopped his writhing and tilted his head up, that way Erwin could see the entirety of his glare. "You're in the negative minutes now. And who's to fucking say that _I_   won't be the one to take your arm clean off?" Although his movement was restricted, Levi managed to clutch his hands around Erwin's right arm in a threatening fashion.

"You don't think that you'd regret it later? You don't strike me as a criminal."

"And you don't strike me as some guy who would hold some kid hostage at a park at obscure hours in the night, but yet here we are."

"I get the feeling that you could leave if you really wanted to." Erwin nodded once before looking down at Levi.

Levi's lips twitched as he made a sound comparable to a snarl. "The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Erwin didn't respond, which only fueled the anger in their little kerfuffle. "Answer me, old man, before I-" 

Levi could feel his hands clasp savagely around Erwin's arm, and he was sure that his nails were drawing blood from Erwin's skin as he attempted to balance himself. For some reason that would forever be beyond Levi, at least for the next few seconds, Erwin had lifted him up. They were now at the same eye level with each other, and Levi seized this golden opportunity to glare daggers at the older man. 

"What the hell are you doing? Put me down," he demanded. In order to not topple over, Levi was forced to place his hands on Erwin's shoulders. Despite the awkward gesture, he refused to lose his cool. No, instead, he used it to his advantage. Levi slowly leaned forward and narrowed his eyes as he dug his nails deep into the soft area just above Erwin's clavicle.  "Before I rip your fucking throat out."

Erwin watched Levi with a strange calm that only infuriated him even more. Levi was about to start yelling at him again, perhaps he'd even carry out his threat, but he wasn't fast enough. Suddenly, Erwin closed the small distance between them. The moment their lips met, Levi's breath hitched and his eyes widened in surprise. His confusion was short lived, for it was swiftly exchanged with an assload of rage and just a tiny bit of impulsive desire. Much to his own amazement, Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin's neck in a non hostile way and returned the gesture with more force than Erwin had initiated it with.

When Erwin pulled himself back to catch his breath, Levi growled and yanked him back so that their mouths were only millimeters apart. "You fucker. Your boyfriend's not going to like this, is he? I'm going to get fired because you can't handle your damn self."

"Mike?" Erwin arched an eyebrow. "We're just business associates. He's looking for a lawyer because I guess children slipping on ice cubes and parents suing is a thing nowadays."

"That sounds like an opening to a low-budget porno. He's definitely got the mustache for it.  _Erwin and Mike go to dinner, but business plans aren't the only thing that end up on the table,_ " Levi smirked and pressed his lips to his before Erwin could respond to his verbal jab. Although adrenaline was practically seeping from Levi's skin, he had managed to not bite Erwin's lip off. He was still light-headed and dizzy, though it was no longer from his hangover. Amazing, how different symptoms can feel depending on the circumstances.

Levi sighed and shifted his face away now. He rested his forehead on Erwin's shoulder as he tried to stabilize his breathing. "Now put me the fuck down before someone sees us." 

Erwin nodded silently and did as he was told. He gently set Levi back down on the ground and took a small step back from him. Once his feet were back on the gravel, Levi huffed and brushed himself off. He raised an eyebrow and looked up at Erwin, who just so happened to be staring at him. "What?" 

Blockhead smiled and shrugged before looking back at the direction of Levi's apartment complex. "Shouldn't the cops be showing up soon?"

"Hanji's probably been watching us from the window the whole time," Levi scoffed and raised his middle finger in the same direction Erwin was looking, just for good measure. "Plus, how would that conversation even go down? 'Hello, yes, police? My friend went to the park with some stranger and he's been gone for ten whole minutes. Also, if you find the stranger's arms ripped off, I had nothing to do with it.'"

"Oh," Erwin checked his watch before slipping his hands into his pockets. "It's only eight o'clock, and Isabel's with Armin until nine. Do you maybe want to go to Denny's?"

"What."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Erwin is the reason why we can't have nice things.


	10. Hotel Ball Pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's life flash before his eyes.
> 
> His first cup of tea.
> 
> His first swear word.
> 
> The first time he met Hanji.
> 
> That one fateful day where Eren, the shitty little punk ass brat with the eyes, threw a ball pit ball at his head.
> 
> And then
> 
> Splat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to apologize for taking so long to add the new chapter, I've been busy with end of the year/graduation things, stuff for a con, whatnot, and what have you. 
> 
> Oh, if you could take a look at these and then come and cry with me, that would be fantastic: [Evil Little Cherry](http://evillittlecherry.tumblr.com/post/83271643434/just-take-them-all-of-my-shitty-sketches-take), [Roscoe's Roswell](http://roscoesroswell.tumblr.com/post/83685306983)
> 
> Last but not least, the song that's being parodied is Hotel California by the Eagles c:

"No. No, _hell_ no. I'm not going to a fucking Denny's right now. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Erwin tilted his head to the side and furrowed his trademark brows. Despite his apparent confusion, he continued to smile like the calm and collected fucker he is. "It was just a suggestion."

"And a shitty one at that," Levi grumbled and began to walk back to his apartment. The way he saw it, there was absolutely no point in staying at the park. What's done is done, and it was time to go home and sleep for approximately five hundred centuries. "Have you ever even been to a Denny's? It's a miserable experience, you fucking cheapskate." 

Erwin slowly trailed behind Levi as he walked. "Armin and I happen to  _like_ Denny's. Their burgers aren't half bad. Would you rather go somewhere else?"

"Home. I'd like to go home. Do you know how many times I've thrown up today? I'm not even going to sugarcoat this, it happened three times. You'd better hope that I brushed my teeth after, eyebrows, or else that means that all of that shit is in your mouth right now," Levi spoke in a purposefully monotonous voice just to scare Erwin. Of course he brushed his teeth after, only sadists don't. But Erwin had picked up Levi and held him against his will, therefor, he deserves to be a little grossed out.

Erwin shuddered momentarily at the thought, but the world be damned if he lost his composure for more than a few seconds. "What about this Friday?"

"What about it?"

"Would you like to go somewhere else on Friday?"

Levi shrugged and feigned disappointment with a sigh. "As much as I'd love to go and hang out with an old man, I'm too busy with watching people's kids run around on a sugar high."

"I know Mike, I'll just call him. I'm sure he'd give you the day off, or at lest let you out a little early."

"Don't ever say that again. That's fucking creepy."

* * *

_Behind a cash register, cheap swamp cooler buffeting my hair_   
_Warm smell of pizzas, rising up through the air_   
_Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light_   
_My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim_   
_My shift was almost over for the night_

"I want to speak to your manager."

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose before he leaned over to pick up the half eaten pizza off of the table. "So you can tell him what? That you ordered a pepperoni pizza, ate half of it, remembered that you can't eat meat, and that you want us to pay for your entire ticket because we should have known that you're a vegetarian?"

"I don't like your tone, young man."

"Sorry to hear that," Levi shrugged and began to dig through the over sized pocket of his apron. After a few moments of fishing around, he grabbed five tokens and tossed them on the table. He watched with disinterest as they clinked against the side of the customer's glass. "Here are condolence tokens for your kids, or whatever. I'll go grab the manager."

Pizza in hand, Levi turned to take the unholy food away from the vegetarian and back into the kitchen.

"Hey, wait!" With a groan, Levi craned his neck to face the irate customer who was very quickly getting on his last nerves. Before the phrase 'what? ' could even pass through his lips, a large splash of soda smashed into his face. Instinctively, he dropped the pizza and held his hands up to protect him from another attack. When it didn't come, he opened his eyes to stare at the other man. "What the hell was that for?" He snarled.

Within a span of seconds, the vegetarian gathered his things, children included, and stormed out of the vicinity, all while shouting about the terrible customer service.

"Vegetarian, my ass," Levi growled as he wiped droplets of soda from his brow. He decided that, more than likely, the customer was not a vegetarian, but instead just an idiot who figured out how to get a free meal ticket. Fucking con artist son of a whore.

Fifteen minutes. _Fifteen more minutes, and he would be home free._ Now chanting these words in his head, Levi began the long process of cleaning up the food and drink from the floor. 

"Whoa, Levi, why are you all wet?" He was nearly finished with cleaning up when felt a finger prod into his back. "And sticky. That's so nasty, I love it! There's gotta be a nice little story behind this one, I can tell."

"What are you even doing here?" Levi stopped mopping up the mess on the floor to glance at Hanji, who was now sliding into the booth next to that was next to the crime scene.

"Marlowe called in sick, so I was called in to close," Hanji shrugged before slipping into a grin. "Yeah, so what happened? C'mon spill!" Their smile quickly turned into a sly, shit-eating one. The kind of smile that people make when they're about to crack a pun that they think is just hilarious. "But it looks like something already did, huh?"

_Oh for fuck's sake._

"Just some idiot," Levi began. "Long story short, someone devised a perfect plan to get free food, and my luck just sucks." he huffed and continued his mopping.

"You think your luck sucks? I dunno, you sure looked pretty lucky the other night with Blondie."

 _Blondie_. "Shit," was Levi could muster. How had he forgotten about Blockhead? He quickly glanced down at his watch. 7:53 p.m. Erwin would be here any minute, and Levi completely spaced that information out. "Damn everything on Earth, I can't even go home to take a shower, and-" and suddenly, it dawned on him. Levi's grip tightened on handle of the mop before he promptly raised it into the air. He threateningly held the wet yarn just inches away from their face. "You _were_ watching through the window, you absolute shit stain!"

Hanji laughed and raised their arms up in surrender. "I'm sorry! In my defense, you never asked, _and_ I felt like I had to go to church after seeing that."

"You're lucky that hitting people with shitty glasses is frowned on in this society," He warned as he lowered the mop into the bucket of water. "Because if it weren't, you'd be eating floor water right now."

"You can't eat water, m'dear. Unless it's ice, but that's ice and not water. Well, technically it's water but..." Hanji shook their head. "Oh, frowned upon? Or is it that you actually _do_ love me, and that you'd never do such a heinous thing to me?"

"Don't flatter yourself, four-eyes."

"A pet name and everything? Blondie's going to be so jealous."

Levi decided to ignore Hanji's jabs and move on with the last four minutes of his shift. He walked away from Hanji and began to roll the mop and bucket towards the janitor's closet. The whole idea of the space being called a janitor's closet was funny because there weren't any real janitor's here. Nope, just angsty teens and young-adults who can stick an over-sized cracker in a microwave and call it a pizza. This place could use real janitors, though. Maybe then everything wouldn't be so grimy all the time.

And grimy things were, especially in the god forsaken ball pit. Levi glared at it as he passed by. The stupid thing has given countless children pink eye, and who knows how many cases of the flu. Levi wouldn't be surprised if a few dead bodies were fished out of there as well. If there were a black hole that sucked brats down into a void were at the bottom of that pit, he wouldn't even bat an eyelash. Nothing about that filthy thing could ever surprise him.

Except, of course, being knocked into the very depths of that mini hell. That sure was surprising. As far as Hanji sitting on top of him, holding him down, and shouting something along the lines of _'never stick that nasty mop in my face again!'?_ That was a strange little twist, but it wasn't the least bit surprising. 

Levi was forced to writhe just below the surface of the one foot deep germ fest while Hanji cackled manically above him. He kept his eyes closed, and he did his best to breathe as little as possible. For all he knew, Malaria was swimming around with him.

"I swear to god, Hanji, you'd better-" Levi's words were cut off when something fell into his mouth. He did his best to bring his arm up to his lips, and when he did, he ended up peeling something off his tongue. Mortified with all of the possibilities of what the mystery object could be, Levi used all of his strength to push Hanji off of him. Once he could feel Hanji roll into the space next to him, he immediately sat himself up and inhaled deeply as if he'd been drowning only moments before. 

He quickly lifted the hand that held the mystery object up in the air in front of him. It was sticky, beige, and covered in tiny little hairs. Levi squinted and brought the object closer, only to shriek upon realizing was it was. "Hanji, you-!" He bit down on his lip in rage as he watched Hanji laugh their ass of in the corner of the ball pit. "You fucking Gremlin!" And with that, he launched himself at them with the intent to kill.

Hanji's laughs instantly turned into wails as they clambered around in attempt to exit the pit. 

Well, too bad for them, because there was no way in hell Levi was going to let them escape. He quickly grabbed at the back of Hanji's shirt and yanked them back into the depths of the ball pit. Upon impact with the bottom, cheap plastic balls flew everywhere. People were staring, that much Levi knew.

But he nearly ate a band-aid, so he had nothing left to lose. 

The two of them wrestled around in the pit, shouting and swearing, kicking and punching. Hanji had somehow managed to stand up, but that didn't mean that they were safe. Levi was clinging on to their back, arms and legs wrapped around their torso, as he tried to stick the used band-aid on their face.

"Uncle, uncle!" Hanji laughed and waved their arms frantically in the air. "I give up, okay? I'm sorry!" 

"Fucking right you are," Levi snarled as he slapped the world's most disgusting object onto Hanji's cheek. Before he could even bask in the glory of winning, his eyes immediately landed on the tallest person in the crowd that had gathered to watch. The person standing near the edge of the audience with eyebrows the size of Russia and an all too amused grin covering what little space was left on his face.

_There he stood in the doorway;_   
_I could hear the children yell_   
_And I was thinking to myself,_   
_'this could be heaven or this could be hell'_

Hell. This was definitely hell. Levi let go of Hanji and fell back into the ball pit. He allowed himself to sink to the bottom in shame, the only thing on his mind was ' _shit.'_

"Erwin!"

Levi heard Mike's voice in the distance. 

"Mike, how are you?"

He didn't even wince when Hanji threw them-self down next to him. The bottom of the pit was a dark place, figuratively _and_ literally, so he couldn't see their expression. Despite that, he didn't need to see Hanji's face to know that they were smiling like a fool.

"Levi," Hanji scooted closer to him as they whispered. "What's Blondie doing here? Did he lose his phone again?"

Before he could answer, Levi heard Mike release a boisterous laugh.

"Is he babysitting again? What? Yeah,I've known the little guy since he was ten. Can't say I'm surprised, but he and Hanji always-"

And that's where he decided to stop listening. "Hanji, what are the odds of spontaneous combustion?"

"Ouch. I knew you hated me, but I didn't think you hated me that much."

"Not for you," Levi shook his head with a heavy sigh. "Just forget it." he added before sitting himself up with a huff. Now that he was back in the real world, his gaze was met with over a dozen tiny ones. Instead of cringing at all of the stares he was receiving, Levi frowned and stood up. Hanji followed suit, though they looked far more happy than he did. 

"And that, kiddos, is how you defend yourself from an attacker! Just remember to carry a pitch fork with you at all times, and you're good to go."

Based on the faces of the children standing near the netting of the pit, it was obvious that they didn't buy what Hanji was selling. Hanji cleared their throat and carefully climbed out of the abyss. 

"I'm just gonna...go see if they need help in the kitchen, bye!" Moments later, they were out of sight.

Which meant that Levi was left all alone with the prying eyes of the kids. His eyes narrowed defensively as he made his way out of the abomination pit. "Don't you have arcade games to play, or something?" He stated gruffly as he made his way through the miniature crowd. They all scattered when he was within inches of them. "Nosy brats," he muttered as he did the long walk of shame to where Erwin and Mike were standing.

He walked slowly and kept his face as blank as possible as he did so. 

"That was some scene, son."

Levi mumbled and crossed his arms. "Hanji started it." his focus shifted over to Erwin who was obviously trying to hold back a laugh, but failing miserably. He scowled before looking back up at Mike expectantly.

"I remember the first time you told me that," Mike chuckled and rested his elbow on Erwin's shoulder, "See, they were at the zoo one time and-"

"I thought we all agreed to never talk about that again?" Levi arched an eyebrow. " _Unless_ you also want to tell Blockhead about the part where your underwear-"

"Alright!" Mike eyes widened as he took a step back away from Levi. "I think you've had a pretty long day and isn't your shift over? You'd better going, yeah?" 

Levi nodded, dropped his arms to his sides, and began to hastily untie his apron. Chuck E. Cheese always was, and will be, the bane of his entire existence; which meant that he was more than ready to rid himself of the uniform at the end of each day.  "This fucking thing, I swear," he muttered lowly to himself as he began to make his way toward the exit. 

"Don't you have to punch a time card before you leave?" Erwin asked while Levi pulled the smock over his head.

"You're joking, right?" Without turning around to see if Erwin was serious, Levi pushed open the large, glass door and let himself outside. He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair that, thanks to the soda, was now beginning to crust over. When he heard the telltale sound of the bell above the door ring behind him, he continued. "I don't know how things work at places that pay over $4.25 an hour, but here," he just laughed.

"I've held plenty of minimum wage jobs that have taken the organization of their employees very seriously." Erwin jogged awkwardly to meet Levi at his side.

Because of that comment alone, Levi was forced to raise an eyebrow and stare at the khaki and polo clad Erwin. "Yeah? When was that? Back in the olden days, before we put someone on the moon, right?"

"How old do you think I was when that happened?" Erwin matched Levi's stare with a grin of his own. "And weren't you born only two years after?"

"I bet they tested penicillin on you, didn't they, old man? Tell me, what was it like to be alive for the invention of sliced bread? Was it as riveting as everyone makes it out to be?" 

Erwin simply shrugged and leaned back against the brick building behind them. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his windbreaker and looked out into the parking lot before them. They stood in silence for a few short moments before Erwin spoke once more. "I've seen greater things since then," he smiled to himself and glanced at Levi.

"Does Armin know what a giant fucking dork you are?"

"Seeing as how you and your best friend were cat fighting in a ball pit at a children's restaurant while on the clock, I don't think you have very much room to be calling people," Erwin raised his fingers into the air to form air quotes, "dorks."

Levi rolled his eyes and decided to scratch away at the marinara stain on his shirt. "That stupid thing will be the death of me."

"The ball pit?" Erwin pushed himself off of the wall and turned to face Levi. "What's so bad about it? I think they're fine. They're good fun for children, believe me."

"Fun? Yeah, swimming in viruses, sweat, and other things just _screams_ fun. Since you like them so much, why don't you just make an entire event with ball pits?"

"I just might." Erwin smiled and reached his hand toward Levi. 

Levi watched him closely, though he said nothing. 

"I don't see how anyone could be mad at an event that featured a ball pit." Erwin's hand brushed lightly over Levi's shoulder before he brought it back. He was now holding something between his fingers, but his palm was blocking the object from Levi's view. "I think it would be a blast."

"You'd find some way to fuck up that germ fest, I can tell," he craned his neck upward in attempt to look at whatever was in Erwin's grasp. "Now what's that?"

"If I tell you," Erwin drawled his words while watching Levi with caution. "You have to promise not to freak out."

"Do you think I'm a baby?" Levi's eyes narrowed before he added, "I swear to god, if one short joke slips out of that smug mouth of yours, you're going to get a black eye."

With a melodramatic sigh, Erwin twisted his wrist to show Levi what he was holding. Levi was forced to lean forward and squint at the piece held in the air by Erwin. 

It was an awkward shaped thing. Green, yellow, crunchy in some parts, yet gooey in others. It wasn't until Levi saw the tiny little hairs when the reality of what it was dawned on him. Suddenly, it didn't seem so little any more. The object was now offensively massive, and it needed to be burned into a crisp, thrown into the Mariana Trench, devoured by a shark, and then set on fire again.

Levi swatted Erwin's hand out of his face before jumping back. "Drop that shit right now! Drop it and then go wash your hands,  _fuck_ , was that on my shoulder?" 

Erwin chortled with a nod. "It's just a booger. Armin had a sinus infection once, and this is nothing compared to that." He smiled and flicked the crusty piece of snot off of his finger and away from them.

But as always, the universe had different plans. A sudden gust of wind made Levi's life flash before his eyes.

His first cup of tea.

His first swear word.

The first time he met Hanji.

That one fateful day where Eren, the shitty little punk ass brat with the eyes, threw a ball pit ball at his head.

And then

_Splat._

Right underneath his left eye. A sudden drop of crunchy moistness had landed only millimeters from Levi's waterline. It took him a moment to register what had happened, though it was Erwin's stupefied expression that had confirmed his worst fears. 

The soda he could handle. The band-aid was revolting, but he lived. Yet here, a piece of snot, most likely from the ball pit, had the _audacity_  to land on his face.

_Last thing I remember, I was_   
_Running for the door_   
_I had to find the passage back_   
_To the bathroom in the place where I was before_   
_'relax,' said the night manager,_   
_'But didn't you just leave?'_   
_I thought this hell of a night was finally over,_   
_How could I have been so naive?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry that took so long ;-; Thanks for sticking around!


	11. Don't Fear the Reaper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Armin is _not_ my son. Speaking of which," he said in a tone that was too defensive for his liking before he added something that made even himself question his previous statement, "I need to go check on him and make sure that Eren's not making him do anything stupid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse as to why this took me so long, so have a snowman for your troubles ☃ Thanks for sticking around or for just now joining in, and, either way, here's part one of a two part chapter! If you're curious about a few key things, a complete doll wrote a prequel for us! It can be found [_here_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2763707), and I seriously suggest reading it!

"There's nothing more that I can do." Dr. Jaeger crossed the small room in just two short strides. He picked up something that was settled on the counter nearest Erwin and studied it for a moment before sighing and resting his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Armin's dead, Erwin."

Erwin's breath caught in his throat. He covered his mouth with his hand and unfocused his watery eyes, now gazing woefully in the distance. "He was so young," Erwin said hoarsely before looking down. "I just wish we had more time."

Levi didn't even flinch when Eren clung to his side with an iron grip while sobbing into his shirt. 

Though he did flinch when Erwin reached a shaky hand out to the pale boy and brushed the blond hair from his face, revealing a plethora of red splatters that matched the ones near the gaping wound near the kid's chest.

"Does anyone know how this _really_ happened?" Grisha had finally asked after what felt like hours of excruciating silence. "I'm sure that the police will be asking for a final report, soon enough."

Mikasa's eyes narrowed while she pointed an accusatory finger at Levi. "It was all his fault."

Which wasn't _entirely_ untrue.

* * *

"And then it just hit you right in the  _eye!"_

Levi crossed his arms and sunk himself further into his seat. "Oh? Want to run that story by me one more time? Because even though I was there, and it happened only eighteen minutes ago, you seem to think that I have the memory of a goldfish."

"Hey, that's enough from you two," Erwin attempted to say with a straight face while adopting a patronizing tone, "or it's time out for the both of you."

Eren whined and leaned into Armin's shoulder. " _Armin,_ tell Erwin ta take, like, an entire bucket of chill pills."

Armin giggled, as did Mikasa. Erwin joined in not long after, and soon, Levi was trapped in a minivan full of laughter happy baboons.He ended up zoning them by tuning them out out, just imagining the moment Erwin strutted down to the car dealership in search of only the safest minivan that the world had to offer. Which was a joke all in its own, considering Erwin was only legally responsible for one kid. Not an entire brood that was worthy of such an awful car, but one, _singular,_ Armin.

So there Levi sat, in an ugly teal minivan, owned by Erwin Smith, occupied by said owner, himself, and three children.

Shit got domestic real fast. 

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Erwin's voice lifted Levi from his thoughts. "I need to ask you for a favor." 

Levi's eyebrow raised in question as he turned to face Erwin. "What is it?"

"I need you to wear something and, well, just play along." His brows furrowed before he lifted his gaze and smiled at something in the rear view mirror. "It was actually Armin's idea."

Armin, taking that as a cue, leaned forward in his seat and handed Levi a piece of white cloth.

Levi took the fabric in his hands and toyed with it for a few moments. "What on Earth do I need to play along to that requires me wearing an Olive Garden napkin?"

"It's not a napkin." Erwin lowered his voice into a whisper. " _But_ I can't tell you in front of the kids. You'll just have to trust me."

"Yeah," with a shake of his head, Levi let the cloth fall into his lap. "That doesn't sound shady at all."

From behind him, Levi could hear Eren imitate the static noise of a walkie talkie. "Ground control to Major Mikasa, over."

"This is Major Mikasa, over." She spoke into her palm as to add the radio effect.

"We need you to redirect the laser to the Cap'n's coordinates. Recent data reveals that he's a total fart knocker who doesn't like to wear Armin's napkins. Over!"

"Affirmative," Mikasa paused before initiating a count down. "Laser set to fire in three, two-"

"One!" Eren shouted while simultaneously shooting a rubber band at the back of Levi's head.

"Ow!" Levi's right hand lifted to rub the 'wounded' area while he used his left hand to flip down the sun visor, exposing the vanity mirror so he could peer back at Eren. "What the hell, brat?"

The kid only smiled, shouting, "Swear Jar!" before confirming his words with a nod.

"Listen here, you little scrub-"

"Oh, would you look at that?" Erwin forced himself into the conversation once more. "We're here," he announced  as he pulled the car into park.

Everyone present, excluding Erwin because  heaven forbid he actually be surprised by anything, gasped in unison when they saw the humongous mansion that was looming over them. 

"Erwin," Levi's eyes swept over the massive building made of russet colored bricks. The green roof matched the vines that climbed up the sides, as did the the large patio that wrapped around the house. It wasn't until he saw the intricate cement sign sitting on the front lawn when he realized where they were at. The mansion, once a private residency to the most wealthy family to ever set foot in their city, was now a museum that showed off the family's treasures. The trio in the back all squealed with excitement, quickly unbuckling their seat belts and hopping out of the car, before he could even continue. "What are we doing  _here_?"

The blond momentarily chewed on his lip before he finally tugged the key out of the ignition. "It's a birthday party for one of Armin's  friends."

Levi leaned forward in his seat. "A birthday party? Here?" He whistled and settled himself back in his seat, side-eyeing the museum. "They must be pretty loaded to be able to afford this place."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Erwin tucked the keys into his pocket, still not bothering to unbuckle his seat belt as he soaked in the entirety of the mansion with Levi. "Everyone's going to be acting, for lack of better terms, like they have sticks shoved up their asses. It's all just a big game, so don't take anything that anyone says or does seriously, okay?"

He snorted. "You think I don't know how to handle rich people? Been 'round them all my life, Blockhead."

"No, I really mean that everything here is just for show-"

"I get it, I get it. Pompous people doing shitty things." Levi waved Erwin off, unbuckling himself and stepping out of the car while he did so. 

Erwin did the same, and soon they were walking side by side, up the gravely path, to the oak doors of the mansion. "Okay, seeing as how you seem to understand what's going on here," Erwin drawled slowly with his amusement poorly hidden, "then you also understand why I need you to wear this?" he stopped walking and held the white fabric from before out to Levi, who only stared at it.

"It's a bring your own napkin kind of gig?" Levi questioned, now taking his gaze off of the cloth. "Weird, considering that they're supposed to be rolling in dough."

"Maybe they wanted to be ironic?" Erwin smiled at this. "Or maybe it's just to dress up your band t-shirt up a little bit?"

If Levi had looked down at the shirt in question, Erwin would have somehow won whatever little game they were playing. So he didn't. He just let his mouth twitch before glancing to the side in surrender. "Fine," he finally said after snatching the napkin from Erwin's hands. He held it out in front of him, pretending to examine it thoroughly in attempt to buy time to figure out how to put it on.

"Here." Erwin's sigh of relief sounded like it had been stuck in his throat for ages. He reached out and took the fabric into his grasp before stepping forward toward Levi. "It's called a cravat," he explained while gently fixing it around Levi's neck. "It's a neck piece that was popular in the seventeenth century, and essentially," he quickly tucked it underneath Levi's shirt, signalling that his work as done, though doing nothing to move from his work space. "It's just a glorified napkin."

" _How fun_ ," was all Levi had managed to say through clenched teeth that were holding in his hitched breath that was caused by nothing more than Erwin's proximity.

"It will be fun," Erwin had assured Levi while he slowly leaned forward and slid his hand down to Levi's waist. He then rested his forehead in the crook of Levi's neck, infuriatingly ghosting over his skin. "I promise."

Levi, with little time and space to react said only, "I'll fucking hold you to that, _Smith_."

"Good." Erwin stated, overly breathy, before pulling himself away. "Now let's go in. They're all probably waiting for us."

"Alright." Levi cleared his throat and began to walk once more. Soon enough, they were climbing up the stairs that led to the ornate doorway. Erwin had reminded Levi one last time that everything was just for show before they opened the thick, wooden doors.

The second Levi stepped foot inside the not so humble abode, he felt as if he were slapped in the face with cinnamon. The entire house reeked of the spice, giving the air an unnecessary winter heaviness that was out of place in the summer's heat. There were people everywhere, surely at least one hundred of them, but there was _still_ no elbow bumping in the spacious foyer. Everyone was dressed nicely, a select few in dramatic ballgowns and period clothes that would be distinguished as the wait staff, and the rest in 'average' formal wear that still held the ability make anyone's wallet weep. Though he'd never admit it, the cravat over his worn and faded Depeche Mode t-shirt offered Levi a slight sense of security in the flashy crowd.

"What the hell kind of kid's party is this?" Levi breathed at last.

"A fun one. Trust me, I wouldn't bring you to something like this if I didn't think you'd enjoy it."

"Smith? Smith is that you?" Prompted a voice from the sea of party goers. 

Both Levi and Erwin turned to face the call, which had raised a few eyebrows from those close enough to witness the exchange. Levi did his best to ignore the whispers as he focused his attention on the man who was stepping over to them. He had mousy brown hair, and creepy facial hair to match. His green eyes were shielded behind circular lenses, showing some resemblance to something familiar to Levi, though he couldn't quite place it. Perhaps it was the cheap, dollar store, Jesus figurine that Hanji had purchased a while back as a sorry topper to their ghetto Christmas tree.

Yeah, that must be it.

"Doctor!" Said Erwin in an all too chummy way. "My apologies for running late. We had a bit of a, uh,  _problem_ to sort out before we arrived." _  
_

Dollar Store Jesus shook his head. "The cake delivery was behind schedule, too. No worries. And thanks again for picking up the kids, I barely had enough time to get here after my shift. Oh, but Braus wanted me to fetch you the second you got here."  

"Not a problem, and good to hear. Oh, Doctor, I almost forgot to introduce you. Grisha, this is Levi," said Erwin, gesturing respectively to both as he said their names. "Levi, this is Dr. Jaeger. Eren's father."

_Oh._ That's why he looked familiar. It didn't take long for the award winning question of ' _how did_   ** _that_** _make **the**_ _adorable_ _little shit?'_ to cross Levi's mind.

"So you're Levi, huh?" Grisha gave Levi a somewhat disgusted once over. "Eren's told me a lot about you." He paused before adding somewhat bitterly, "and so has Mikasa."

Well  _fuck_ this Dollar Store Jesus guy. "Oh?" Levi yawned to emphasize his feigned lack of interest. "That's funny, because I haven't heard a single thing about you."

Jaeger forced a smile that resembled that of a dying hyena that was trying to pass gas. "Quite the charmer, aren't you? Really living up to the character that everyone's made you out to be."

Erwin clapped his hands together awkwardly. "You said Braus wanted me? Are the kids with him?"

Grisha looked back to Erwin, all hostility fading from his features as he did so. "Yeah, he's upstairs in the study. But I think I saw the kids parading around in the kitchen with Sasha." He let out a laugh that, to Levi, sounded like a dying whale. "She's been going on and on about the walk-in fridge for the last half hour."

"That sounds about right." Erwin agreed before turning towards Levi. "I have to go talk to Sasha's dad for a moment, but I'll be right back. Could you keep an eye on the kids until then? I don't want them getting into any trouble."

"Yes. Feel free to mingle with the other children, _Levi._ " 

At Grisha's jab, Levi didn't even bat an eyelash. "Right. Guess I already got started with you, so I s'pose it's only fair I talk to the other kids." With a flick of his wrist, he gave Erwin a lazy salute. "Catch you later, then."

Erwin inhaled sharply and rested his hand on the doctor's shoulder, swiftly using this motion to usher him away from Levi. "You said upstairs, right? We don't want to keep him waiting, let's go." They were about three yards away when Erwin looked back at Levi, giving him a warning glance that had  _behave_ written all over it. 

"Huh, whatever." And with that, Levi relocated himself away from the crowd, and, remembering that Erwin had wanted him to keep an eye on the brats, more toward the double doors that he could only assume led to the kitchen. He leaned himself against the wall, crossing his arms and passing the time by listening to the chatter around him.

_So I went to Bermuda the other day, just because._

_And then I said, "Of **course** I can buy out your little bakery!"_

_Jean-Bo just got accepted into a junior pre-pre-starter college program. It's a big deal._

Fucking lovely, these people were. 

"Excuse me."

A tap on the shoulder made Levi turn around. The second he saw those pale golden eyes and sandy blonde hair, Levi knew it was too late. As far as he was concerned, life was over, and everything would cease to exist. At least, that's what he  _wanted_ to happen. Where were black holes when they were actually needed? Not at this birthday party, that's for damn sure.

"You wouldn't happen to be the  _same_ short, band tee wearing, little loner from back in the day whose name is Levi, would you?"

"If you're the same, annoying, loudmouthed, girl from back in the day," he added with a huff, "then no."

She squealed and threw her arms in the air, swiftly bringing them down, embracing him in a hug and only laughing when he pushed her away. "Oh, it  _is_ you! And to think that I thought you fell off the face of the Earth. Oh, look at you! All angsty 'n shit. Looks like you finally let Hanji shave your head, too. And, oh my goodness, where are those dorky glasses of yours?"

"What's it to you?" Levi questioned while straightening out his shirt, willing for her to go away. 

"Just wondering. Hey, but what are you even doing here? Because at first I thought that you were here as the entertainment. And then I saw that you were with Erwin, and  _usually_ Isabel comes to these things. But she's not here, so at first I was like  _'Did she get fired? Is he the new nanny?_ " But then you responded to Smith, so," she grinned broadly and poked his side, "now little ol' Hitch is thinkin' Levi married rich." She paused for a brief moment, wiping the hair from her eyes and allowing herself time to laugh. "Ha, that rhymed!" _  
_

"You wanna know what else rhymes with Hitch and rich?"

"You're totally not denying it, so, like, I'm right! Right?"

Levi shifted away from her, ultimately aiming to escape into the kitchen, though Hitch's quick footing allowed her to block his path. 

" _Wrong_ ," he said, his hand now clenching into a fist.

"Oh, engaged, at least? What does the kid think of you? I can't see  _you_ as a father kind of figure." Hitch snorted and promptly wiped her smug little mouth when she was done. "That'd be so weird."

"No. And Armin is  _not_ my son, so you don't have to hurt your head too bad trying to imagine that. Speaking of which," he said in a tone that was too defensive for his liking before he added something that made even himself question his previous statement, "I need to go check on him and make sure that Eren's not making him do anything stupid."

"Hey man," she raised her hands up in defense, though the smirk on her face never left. It was practically a permanent feature for her. "No need to go all Micheal Jackson on me. But I'll be damned if that wasn't the most motherly thing I've heard in all my life."

Levi was in the middle of a  _fuck you_ when a slew of children came rushing through the doors. They were all giggly madly, not shutting up about the apparently massive fridge, as they chased each other around with closed eyes, shouting ' _Marco'_ and ' _Polo'_ at the tops of their lungs. _  
_

Upon performing a quick headcount of the hoard, only recognizing the two Jaeger children out of the bunch, yet not seeing a miniature He-Man, Levi opened his mouth to ask where the kid was. But a blood curdling scream had cut him off.

His stomach lurched as he shoved Hitch aside and pushed his way into the kitchen. He scanned the surprisingly stark area before his eyes landed on Armin, who was curled up on the floor next to a large pile of pots and pans that seem to have been knocked over.

"Armin!" Levi ran over to the boy and dropped to his knees, rolling he kid over only to reveal that the front of his shirt was soaked in blood. "Armin, what the hell happened? I'll go get Erwin-"

"Playing hide and seek," Armin spluttered. "Ran into those." He lifted a shaky hand and pointed to a cluster of poorly placed chef knives that glistened above them in a nearly mocking manner.

When he saw the utensils, his throat constricted. "Fuck," he whispered while looking back down at Armin. "Don't die, kid. I'm going to go get help, just - just sit tight!"

" _Levi!_ " 

He looked over his shoulder to see a crowd of people standing behind Grisha near the doorway. Many people had their hands over their mouths, trying to hold back their fear, while other's gasped at the horror that was Levi holding a nearly lifeless child in his arms.

" _What did you do?"_

**Author's Note:**

> snidebrows.tumblr.com


End file.
